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Goodbye Ronnie Corbett

It is our age group isn’t it - the people who remember the two Ronnies and the fork handles joke and all the others.

At 85, Ronnie has died… and most media are carrying his full orbituary and tributes.

He was of course famous for his comedy work on tv and in cabaret and his long long repertoire of funny stories and shaggy dog tales; but here at LaterLife we just thought we would honour his talent by remembering some of his funniest short jokes. Some are dated, some are incredibly corny for the modern day….but when we were young, they made most of us laugh and laugh.

Thank you Ronnie.

A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston by-pass. Motorists are asked to be on the look out for 16 hardened criminals.

We will be talking to an out-of-work contortionist who says he can no longer make ends meet.

One of the weathermen has just become a father. The baby is said to be fine, with occasional drizzle later in the day.

There was a fire at the main Inland Revenue office in London today, but it was put out before any serous good was done.

This is a message for seven honeymoon couples in a hotel in Peebles: breakfast was served three days ago.

French wine growers fear that his year’s vintage may be entirely spoiled due to the grape treaders’ sit in.

We’ll be talking to a car designer who’s crossed a Toyota with Quasimodo and come up with the Hatchback of Notre Dame.

There was a chap who is interested in the concept of psychic phenomena - the concept where one day you suddenly hear from a guy who died 20 years ago. You know, a bit like second-class mail.

We have just heard that in the English Channel a ship carrying red paint has collided with a ship carrying purple paint. It is believed that both crews have been marooned.

We have heard today that Britain’s most absent-minded man received a nasty bump on the head after he dashed upstairs and realised he’d forgotten something. He’d forgotten he lived in a bungalow.

A man was marooned on a desert island. One day, a beautiful woman arrives in a wet suit. “When did you last have a smoke?” she said. “Five years ago.” So she gets out a cigar and he smokes it. She unzips her wet suit a bit and says: “When did you last have a drink?” He said: “Five years ago,”, so she gets out a bottle of Scotch and he has a drink. Then she unzips her wet suit a bit more and says: “And when was the last time you played around?” He looks at her in amazement and says: “You’re not telling me you’ve got a set of golf clubs in there?”.

West London police wish to alert local residents about the activities of the infamous cross-eyed burglar. If you see this man staring in your windows, warn the people next door.

The Department for Environment announced that a new electric car is to be withdrawn from the market. A spokesman said: ‘It was a failure. It could only travel three yards as the flex wasn’t long enough.’

We’ve just heard of another business merger. Achilles Cleaning Powders have joined up with the Scottish Distilleries to produce a cleaner that kills 99 per cent of all known germs, and makes the other one too drunk to bother.
Nobody ever writes to me. I get letters from my mother addressed ‘To whom it may concern’.

We’ve just had news of three important business mergers: Pie Records merged with Apple Records today to make Apple Pies. Hawker Aviation joined up with Cyril Lords to make flying carpets for the Persian markets. And Crispy Bacon Ltd merged with Rolls-Royce to make sausage rolls and Royce Krispies.

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