BE A GRAND GRANDPARENT

Sheila Walker, who has just been made grandparent, offers a series of thoughts 
 

I have just been presented with a granddaughter – a delightful little scrap of humanity whose creation had nothing to do with me, but who is inevitably and permanently linked to me by genetics, history and, I hope, affection.

Another gift I received was a “Grandparent’s Notebook” which, alongside space for marking events, circumstances and, presumably, great thoughts, included little quotations of children’s observations on their grandparents. Often the image involved a grey-haired and stiff-jointed soul ready to be indulgent, bake cakes, make wooden toys and do a lot of reminiscing. Sorry, little ones, but that is not exactly as I see myself!

So, that set me thinking about the role which to-day’s grandparent really does play, and how we should deal with putting our own stamp on it.

What’s in a name?

Quite a lot, actually. I think it is important to decide quite early in this new career departure what you want to be called: the rather formal ‘Grandfather’, friendly ‘Grandpa’ or cuddly ‘Gramps’ – what is suitable at age one of the child might be inappropriate at age twenty, but once so designated, it is very difficult to change.

I had a good friend who was deeply upset at the notion of being pronounced a grandmother before she was ready for that title – although delighted that her daughter should have produced the next generation, she decided to be called ‘Mopsy’ which had no age connotations, but merely betrayed an addiction to Beatrix Potter!

So, be careful what you choose – you could have a whole brood of grandchildren with a span of ages, and you have to live with your decision.

Bargain Babysitters

Most of us will be more than happy to take care of grandchildren from time to time – geography, physical capacity and personal commitments will be among the major governing factors on the frequency and duration of this support.

Again, may I suggest a little caution on the commitment that is undertaken? Regular contact produces a special relationship which is to be cherished – it does, however, tend to impinge on other friendships and outside interests, make short breaks and holidays problematical and represent restricted opportunities for spur-of-the-moment activities.

Stepping into the breach is quite another thing, and it is very satisfying to be a real help in moments of crisis, school holidays or a breakdown in normal childminding arrangements. A great number of parents both have working lives, and it seems to be one of Life’s rules that well-organised schedules will break down.

Advice and Assistance

Of course you know about bringing up children – you did it! However, practices do change (remarkably frequently, in fact!) and your experience may not chime with current advice. It is the old story, really, of waiting to be asked for advice rather than proffering it, and biting your tongue very hard when you feel mistakes are being made.

On the matter of behaviour, I think there is a case for maintaining certain standards in your own house if you are really offended by what is being done. Nevertheless, it might be better to remove the cherished objects out of reach and to find something urgent to do elsewhere in the house when a tantrum occurs on a family visit, than to try to deal with what should be the parents’ province.

Money Matters

Other considerations need to be forestalled. Financial help can be a minefield and needs to be very carefully thought through. If you decide to treat families and grandchildren differently (and remember there can be more of the latter in the future) you must be aware of the potential for sibling strife this might produce. Good financial planning can be a godsend for the future and you may consider an investment in your grandchildren’s futures is the best you will ever make.

Serious Stuff

One thing that is certain is that the little ones will grow up, have arguments with their parents, be unhappy at school, have adolescent crushes, face temptations of all kinds and Wonder What To Do With Their Life. They may very well turn to a grandparent in extremis. Be ready for this challenge!

According to my Grandparent’s Notebook all can be put right with a cosy cup of tea and a chat – I do have doubts about that, though!

Just remember – grandchildren are a wonderful gift: enjoy their company and they will enjoy yours.
 
See Leave A Legacy
 

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