MAKING WIDOWHOOD SATISFYING
by Jeanne Davis

Some twenty years ago, when I was working for an association for midlife and older people, I kept seeing the statistic: three-quarters of women over 65 will be widows. Well, that certainly is not going to be me. I dismissed the idea.

Now at 75 and a widow for eight years I am fully aware that it is true. In my single life now, I meet more and more widows - mostly 65 and over, and certainly some younger.

Do you prepare for widowhood - that next stage of life? Few of us would. Like death, we avoid the thought. But to make that later stage of life less of a burden and more satisfying, I would like to pass on a few tips gleaned from my own experience and others.

• Can you manage the household finances? Even if you have been a working woman, a contemporary mother at home or the traditional “little woman”, there are usually financial affairs that one or the other of the partners knows more about, and in some households the husband has assumed responsibility for all the finances.

• Do you know how he deals with the bills and where they are kept? The bank statements? The insurance policies? The pension schemes? Could you prepare the income tax? In the first months after your spouse has died, you’ll be confronted with a towering wall of financial decisions. You don’t want to add to the stress and anxiety if you are in a muddle.

I was fairly well-prepared. My husband travelled for at least six months of the year, so we shared the bill-paying. But then fortunately (or unfortunately) he became ill with Parkinson’s and increasingly unable to cope with tasks relating to numbers. I took over the bills, the bank deposits, the review of brokers’ statements. Then I found him increasingly anxious at the time income tax returns came due. He taught me how to tackle the forms and was amazed at how well I did. Such a nice compliment.

If you are not totally familiar with all the finances, you both should consider making a list of financial documents and where they are kept. The charity Help the Aged supplies a free document “Record of Personal Documents and Information” from their Wills and Legacies Department to help you trace the information you’ll need. It also includes sections to note such key contacts as your financial advisor/accountant, solicitor, location of birth certificates, credit/debit cards, employer or former employer.

Making such a list will feel more natural if you do it at the time of making your wills. And a will is a must!

Do you know your spouse’s funeral wishes? One widow tells me that their wishes regarding cremation were included in the wills, as advised by their solicitor. There is a section in the Help the Aged document for funeral wishes, most of us will by now have experience of funerals and will have responded favourably or not, to the format.

Funerals are for the living, I feel. You will be happier arranging what you think would please him: the service, the music, where he would like to be buried.

• To lift your spirits in the months and years that may follow, try not to be alone. Arrange to see people at least once every day. A lunch, a film, an art exhibition. In the charity work I do, I go to the office, where I work with a group of very congenial people. We take time to lunch each day and talk about films we’ve seen, the current political outrages, and joke. Laughter, as is always said, is the best uplifter.

• Learn something new! Sheila Walker, who works with me at the charity, wrote a piece for Laterlife on older women and relationships with younger men. I had persuaded her to try. A French teacher, she had never written a journalistic piece before. It was well received and I was so pleased to see her quiet pleasure.

• Take risks! I have started informal art sessions, spending a morning a week at a friend’s home attempting to create colourful patterns with pastels and now even doing landscapes in gouache. It took a great deal of courage because ever since a teacher told me when I was eight years old that I was hopeless at drawing I had always avoided picking up a pencil to draw something.

• "Try to develop a cocktail of activities and do not rely too much on a very small number of friends,” says Sheila. “Each of us has differing commitments (family, other friends/interests) and it is no good feeling offended if the companion you would like to spend time with is also committed in other ways and therefore not necessarily free.” Talk to the friends most close to you, at times of stress.

For some time, a most aching part is being alone in the house. I still have a twinge of sadness when I open the front door and there is no one there to smile and talk to. I leave the radio on all the time for company. Good for the mind, too, especially if it is Radio 4. I do carry on silent conversations and answer back to what is being said with such comments as “nonsense”, or argue the veracity of points raised much as my husband might have done.

Sheila says, “The most difficult things for me are decision-making without a built- in consultant. In the past, the plans for improving or altering the house were matters discussed and mulled over by two of us — now I have to generate the enthusiasm for change, convince myself that it is worthwhile in both the short-and-long term, justify the outlay of capital before I step into the minefield of dealing with tradespeople to get good service at a reasonable cost.”

Travel! An experienced widowed traveller offers this advice:

• Look at going solo or with a friend. Sometimes the solo option is better—if the group is good they will incorporate you, whereas if you are with a friend, you tend to be left as a unit. Friends can be great, but they can be difficult – holidays are always testing times.

• Going with a group which will act as a safety net. Illness or some accident or incident can be difficult, and it is sensible to have someone there who will offer informed assistance.

• Choose a holiday which is busy. Sitting alone by a pool can emphasise the fact that you are without a companion.

• Choose a tour which offers group meals. Eating on one’s own is pretty horrid.

If you feel down from time to time, and many of us do, bask in the memories of the good times you had together and think of the good times you’ll have in the future.

Resource: Help the Aged, Wills & Legacies Dept., 020 7239 1965. Ask for the Record of Personal Documents & Information. Free.
 

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