M0THERS-IN-LAW AND SONS-IN-LAW

Jeanne Davis uncovers the relationships between them 
 

“I am very fond of him,” says Ann B. talking about her son-in-law. Ann lives in West London, Ann’s daughter and husband in San Francisco. She visits them typically twice a year and they come with the two children to London occasionally.

“One thing that has made me feel very close to him is his work,” Ann says. “He is a landscape gardener, doing interesting things with plants around San Francisco and at the city’s Arboretum. He spent last year here working at the country division of Kew and at Kew.

“He’s taught me a great deal about growing things and has helped with my garden. I like to talk to him about plants and trees and he nearly always takes me to see some of his work even when I am over there. It’s an area that interests me very much, so we share that a lot.”

“Friendly,” is how Hester R. from South London describes her relationship with her son-in-law. “I would not say I’m fond of him.” A freelance management, consultant he works at home. “He is interesting to talk to. We’re interested in the same sort of topics - social policy, the state of the world, government. We get along at a certain level. There are things I could criticise him for. I deeply dislike the way he interacts with my daughter. I see myself as a support for both of them, but it is not supportive if I launch into him. It doesn’t help her one bit. Whenever I do feel the urge to comment on his behaviour, I bite my tongue.”

What is Hester’s advice for getting along? “Bite your tongue,” she says.
The mother-in-law who interferes too much in the couple’s life may cause so much tension and conflict that the marriage itself is in danger of not surviving.

Sally W. tells me of her sister-in-law from Bristol, who spent every day in the daughter’s house helping with domestic chores but advising on every issue - from decisions on the grandchildren’s education, to matters that required financial decisions, to what food to buy. Eventually the marriage did break up and the mother-in-law’s behaviour was a major factor.

It is suggested that differences in upbringing can cause misunderstanding: what the family values are, how they celebrate holidays, difference in religion, ethnic and racial divides. I discovered a heart-warming story on the Internet about the musician Woody Guthrie, who married a young woman who left her Jewish husband to marry the non-Jewish Guthrie. Her father refused to acknowledge the couple until their first child was born.

But his mother-in-law, Aliza Greenblatt, and an acclaimed Yiddish poet, accepted her son-in-law right away, perhaps because of their shared interests in poetry and politics. Seeing the tensions his presence in the family caused between his parents-in-law, Guthrie began to study Judaism and eventually wrote a series of songs inspired by the Jewish religion and culture. A relationship that held the potential for conflict became one of respect and when Guthrie became seriously ill, mutual aid.

Similarities in parent-in-law /children-in-law relationships around the world appear to be universal, in tensions they create and opportunities for love and understanding. BBC Africa Live held a debate on listener’s attitudes to their in-laws. Respondents were both those who were African born but lived in Australia, the US and England and those who were bringing up families in countries on the African continent. Sons-in-law made some welcome comments.

“My mother-in-law is the best mother-in-law this generation has produced,” said one respondent from Zimbabwe. “She is no different from my mother in any way. I love her. I confide in her. She is intelligent. She is rational. Those who have problems with their mothers-in-law are themselves difficult people to get on with.

“I have been blessed with a great mother-in-law. She’s been really helpful to my wife and me, and has never been intrusive. While my mother has also never been intrusive, she has never seemed very welcoming to my wife,” reported another from the USA.

And here is advice from a son-in-law in Russia. “I am urging all in-laws to be very very loving, tolerant and respecting. They must remember both husband and wife come from different family backgrounds and therefore received different training. What may be a taboo in your home may not be the same in theirs.”

There are common threads of advice, it seems, from many different cultures. For a congenial relationship between mothers-in-law and sons-in-law take care to:
 

• “Bite your tongue,” if you disagree with the in-law’s opinion.

• Don’t try to micro manage the couples lives, however sure that your advice is best. Wait to be asked for advice. My son calls this OUA, offering unsolicited advice.

• Do respect differences in upbringing, religion.

• Consult both parents before buying grandchildren’s presents.

• Make your times together enjoyable.

• A nagging mother-in-law is as bad as one’s nagging mother.

• Share interests.

• Never indicate or even think that he is not good enough for your daughter.

• Don’t criticise how the children are being brought up or on matters of domestic arrangements.

• Think of the future. Researchers have shown that a number of sons-in-law have devoted a significant part of their time to help with the care of a widowed mother- in-law.

Some mothers-in-law and sons-in-law get on so well they fall in love and marry each other. A son-in-law, age 51, recently tied the knot with his mother-in-law, age 63, in a register office in Warrington almost 20 years after they began dating, following the end of his marriage to her daughter. They had been prevented from marrying under a law implemented by Henry VIII in the 16th century but successfully took their case to the European Court of Human Rights.

You’ll have better luck in Scotland. As part of a comprehensive overhaul of legislation governing family life, there is legislation to allow marriage between all relations –as long as they do not have a blood link. Marriage to brothers-in-law and sisters–in-law has been allowed but this change extends to different generations. This means that any Scots man could marry his mother-in-law or daughter-in-law and women can marry their fathers-in-law or sons-in-law.

But there are no plans to change the situation in England or Wales. Marriage between in-laws is still forbidden.
 

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