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It could be
you....
Every month Maggi
Stamp, a qualified and experienced relationship
counsellor for Relate and in private practice, writes
about some of the emotional challenges we meet as we
pass our half-way markers.
For reasons of
confidentiality Maggi never writes about a particular
person's problems unless you have sent one in to be
answered, but all her examples are based on problems
raised by clients, family and friends over the years.
We hope you find the column
useful and interesting and will want to comment or
even share some your own experiences in the laterlife cafe. Why
not post your thoughts there, or you can write to
Maggi at maggi@laterlife.com
for her to respond in the column.
IT COULD BE YOU….
Consequences of divorce?
Peter writes:
I recently got divorced. My ex-wife left me when I was stationed in
Iraq. When I got back to my base a few months later I met a wonderful
woman and we spent a lot of time together, then I left the army to go
back to my home town.
We were always on the phone and she
visited regularly. I asked her to move in with me and things were
great. She is wonderful and I‘m very much in love with her.
We’ve lived together for 10 months but now I’m unemployed and
depressed. I wonder if my divorce had more of an effect on me because
although I love my girlfriend, I’m sometimes not sure that I really
want to be with her. Is this normal?
Maggie replies:
It sounds like going to Iraq had more
than a few unexpected consequences and I’m sorry that you have
been through such uncertain times emotionally since you returned.
You are so right about divorce hitting
you more than you realise. The end of your marriage happening
while you were in Iraq will probably mean that you have held in much
of the emotional turmoil, shock, anger or upset because being in such
a dangerous situation means there is little space for dealing with
home issues. Now you are back it will slowly all begin to affect you.
But please bear in mind that the
depression you are feeling could be connected with your time in
Iraq. You might have been in tough situations and seen fairly
unpleasant things there. Again, soldiers often don’t feel the effect
of these until they are in a place safe enough to let it come to the
surface, i.e. home.
Find a counsellor who can help you
explore some of what has happened to you and sort out what
‘belongs’ where. This is not a sign of weakness but confirmation of
your concern that things will not be allowed to get in the way of
future happiness. Then you will be more sure of what you are really
feeling about you new relationship. It would be very sad to see it
fail if your depression is about something else entirely. Does your
former regiment provide this kind of support for its homecoming
troops? I hope so.
Talk to your girlfriend about this and
explain to her how you feel and what connections there might be.
This way she will not be assuming it is all about her. With no
information about how you are feeling she will try to make sense of
things by wondering if she is the cause of your unhappiness.
I hope things sort themselves out for you. Don’t bottle this up.
You can write to Maggi at maggi@laterlife.com
for her to respond in the column.
To view previous articles in this series -
see the Index
page
laterlife interest
The above article is part of the features section of laterlife.com
called
laterlife interest.
laterlife interest
contains a variety of articles of interest for visitors to
laterlife.com written by a number of experienced and new
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It includes both one off articles and also associated
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Healthwise,
Talkback,
Gardener's Diary,
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in later life.
There's also
'It could
be you' by Maggi Stamp laterlife's counsellor on human
relationships.
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YoucandoIT
by IT trainer and author Jackie Sherman.
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