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The prospect of
spending Christmas alone is not, for many people, a cheering one. But
Christmas with the family can have its downside too. One year we were
begged by friends to join them for the day to help avoid what had become
their Christmas tradition – the family row! Our presence seemed to have a calming effect until the children
started a fire which necessitated the services of the fire brigade. We
spent Boxing Day cleaning smoke off begrimed walls.
Even without the fire
brigade, quarrels, tension and disappointed hopes are all at times part of
the festive season. This must
surely account for the 25% increase in January
in telephone calls to Relate, the
UK’s largest independent,
counselling service.
An NOP survey
commissioned by Relate showed that 73% of people in Britain saw spending
time with their loved ones as one of the most important aspects of
Christmas but, all too frequently, their counsellors hear tales of hurt
and dashed hopes.
So for this
Christmas, Relate is offering an unusual gift - something for yourself or
maybe for a special friend (sorry,
it’s not a free gift, but it could
prove great value for money). It’s
called the Insight Discovery Report, and is an online interactive
questionnaire designed to reveal your attitudes to self, family and
friends. Ideal for the
pre-Christmas run-up to prevent problems before they arrive. It is
designed for all circumstances, including newly married, new parents,
separated or bereaved. See details
at end of this column.
 Relate are also
offering a few tips which laterlife.com
can share with you now. Some
of the ideas are pretty obvious, but I would be willing to wager that very
few of us have thought of preparing ourselves for the emotional strains
which the celebration frequently brings. In
planning the practical things we often push our feelings to one side, and
then they can suddenly overwhelm us.
Here’s the
Relate way to prepare for Christmas
¨
Share your thoughts about how you want
Christmas to be. Your partner is
not a mind reader, nor are you, so be open and honest with each other,
especially about any fears you are harbouring about the holiday period.
¨
Think about what your family might want
to get out of Christmas this year. Recognise
how your family is changing, and discuss and plan how you all want to
spend Christmas
¨
Don’t spend all of your time looking
out for others. Think about how you
fit in, and remember that patience and compromise will probably win the
day.
¨
Never stop loving your children; remember
Christmas this year gives them their memories for the future.
¨
Spend some time resolving any niggles
that may have been building up between you and your partner over the past
few months. Not doing so may lead to arguments later.
¨
Talk realistically and well in advance of
Christmas about spending. In Relate’s experience, how money is handled
in a relationship reveals a lot about it. Money is the major cause of
arguments among couples.
¨
Think about the way you communicate. Try
using “I feel” or “When you say or do that, I..” These openings
are often helpful in leading to a constructive discussion.
Watch out for that here we go
again feeling, with old, familiar arguments and accusations spoiling
any progress.
¨
Pleasant
surprises are nice at Christmas, but they do need planning.
¨
If
someone has planned a surprise for you, appreciate the effort and thought
behind it.
¨
Spend time talking about the best and
worst Christmases you've had together in the past and what lessons you can
learn from them.
¨
Presents can give a powerful message in a
relationship – it may be a message you didn’t intend. When selecting
gifts, try and reflect the person in the flattering way that they see
themselves and not, perhaps, in the more mundane ways that you might see
them.
¨
Spend an evening reminiscing about
childhood Christmases - the good and the bad - and discuss the impact
they’ve had on your view of Christmas as an adult.
¨
Don’t be afraid of creating your own
traditions – live in the Christmas present, not the Christmas past.
¨
Give yourself permission to do things
differently this year, and give others space to do the same.
Some
thoughts if you are newly single
¨
Make concrete plans for the holidays.
Look up people you want to spend your time with and book them in.
You still have friends and family if you are newly single!
¨
Appreciate the fact that you will not
have to make as many compromises this festive season. Are there things you have never been able to do in the past but can
this year?
¨
Christmas might be a good time to rest
and recoup.
¨
Share your feelings with close friends.
Remember too, you can call them if you feel low – they won’t
mind.
¨
Doing things for others, in a positive
frame of mind, makes you feel better about yourself.
¨
If you want to, have a grieving time by
setting out photographs and mementos and having a good cry.
If this is your
first Christmas as a new couple
¨
Establish yourselves as a new unit rather
than becoming the property of two families and yo-yoing between them.
¨
Discuss it ahead of time.
Agree on what is important to you both at Christmas.
It may be you want to spend it on a beach in Bali.
You will only have one first Christmas together, so give yourselves
some wonderful memories.
¨
Don’t just enjoy your love-making,
enjoy talking about it and don’t be afraid to ask.
¨
Don’t feel inhibited about sharing your
happiness.
¨
If difficult visits are in store, talk
about how you both might handle what might come up and plan the lengths of
your stay and your exits.
If you are bereaved
this Christmas
¨
Accept that you will feel sad and allow
yourself to grieve.
¨
Speak up about how you are feeling if you
wish to.
¨
It’s OK to have fun and enjoy yourself,
you needn’t feel guilty.
¨
Use and continue to call on your family
and friends for support – and let them know what it means to you to have
them there.
¨
It’s OK to talk about the person you
are grieving for. Reminisce about
Christmases past, other good times, and how they enriched your life.
By doing this, you will giving permission to others to do likewise.
¨
Try and keep in mind how other members of
your family and circle are feeling; allow them to grieve too.
¨
Remember you may have to make allowances
for some people who cannot deal with grief – apparent indifference may
not be lack of feeling.
¨
It’s OK to want to spend time alone.
You may find yourself inundated with invitations, but don’t accept
offers because you feel you ought to.
If an anniversary
falls over the Christmas time, think in advance how you want to spend that
day.
The
Relate website is www.relate.org.uk where their Insight Discovery Report offers
a psychometric tool which can give people an insight into who they are and
how they relate to others. The evaluator can be completed on line in 15
minutes and you pay £15 to receive a personalised e-mailed report.
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