And
now, although I have women friends, grown children and grandchildren, the need persisted
and it seemed to be a need for a male
companion. There’s a frisson, a chemistry, a different point of view
that a man provides and that I thought I wanted.
I decided to contact an introduction agency, and chose one
that was looking to develop their mature market.
My
Previous Efforts in the Dating Game
I had had a
few forays into the dating game before. Truthfully, I didn’t want anyone for the first two years.
It was in the third year that I decided to make an effort. I
asked the long-widowed father of my son’s friend to the theatre. The invitation seemed to overwhelm him. He hired a car to take us there and made
reservations at an expensive restaurant for dinner afterwards. I knew he was rather shy, not great at
conversation. Perhaps I would spark a few more words.
The evening
was pleasant and I thought he would return the invitation. He
told his son he’d had a wonderful time.
That was it! I
can’t begin to give you an answer as to why he never called.
 Widows and divorcees advised. “Tell
all your friends and relatives you are ready
to meet a man.” This effort produced only
concerned replies. My sister said sadly,
“I don’t know of anyone who is
available. We’ve been looking for other
friends for some time.”
At a
fundraising dinner I sat opposite a most attractive man who had known my husband years
before. We chatted happily about people we knew and
places where we had both lived. At the end of the evening
we went our separate ways.
But we had a mutual friend, and I thought - great -
I’ll invite them both for drinks. In the end, he asked us both instead to his elegant
house, filled with art and books and good taste. He
also had a place in Tuscany. Perfect.
Sadly, I discovered that since his
divorce some twenty years before, he’d had a very attractive steady partner.
The
Introduction Agency
Obviously, I wasn’t making the right choices on my
own. I was ready to try an introduction agency. I
telephoned and made an appointment. For some reason I was expecting a fly-by-night shady office. But
this one was a bright and spacious modern suite, with a gracious interviewer to explain
the procedure.
After answering some 90 questions, a profile of your
likes, dislikes and personality emerges to be matched by a custom computer programme to
likely candidates. A photograph is
included. And the agency provides a
professional photographer to show you at your best.
Three profiles of likely men arrived in the mail. I could choose
to meet one or all three and then the agency would send my profile to the prospect gentleman. If
he was interested they would give him my telephone number (no address, no last name,
keeping your identity confidential).
I mulled over the three profiles for some days. None of them appealed. “You must at least try one,” said the interviewer
when I telephoned to say I didn’t want to meet any of them. “You need to take that first step,” she
advised. Have an open mind.”
Which one of the three? The
agency had matched many of the same interests. My candidates
all enjoyed eating out, travel, similar music
(classical and jazz) and art ( fine and contemporary). I realised later that I was comparing their
backgrounds and professional achievements with my husband. None
of them measured up.
But I had to
be brave. How to select out? One had a dog, a
whippet. I dislike the skinny hairless look of
the breed. Another was a retired personnel
director of a large company. Possibly a
profession attracting people with no sense of humour, I decided, knowing this was
arbitrary.
I turned to the third. He
looked like fun to be with. His major interest was
horse racing and his perfect evening out was
going to the Ascot races. I like horses
although I am not a follower of the track.
 This will be different, I thought. Something new for
me, though there was one note of alarm. On
the profile there is a question about drinking alcohol. John
replied “regularly.” Rather defiantly, I thought. Others
had replied rarely or socially.
When John called he suggested we meet at a mutually
convenient pub at 1 pm for a drink. I hope
you’re not just a coffee drinker, he said. A
glass or two of wine is fine with me, I replied.
We drank for a full hour and a half with no mention of
lunch. I felt like I was 20 years old again,
propping up the bar, knowing that I was attracting a “bloke.” The race weekends he told me about sounded like fun
though a bit raunchy. I had to leave at 2:30.
“ May I call you?” he asked. “Let’s
plan on Ascot week.” Fine, I said.
Royal Ascot came
and went. No call . I speculated. Was
I too old? I am 70. He was 68. He
could have his choice of much younger women. Had he met someone in the meantime? I never did find out.
A
Singles Social Club
With membership of the agency comes free membership of a
singles social club. Their diary of events looked appealing – cocktail party at the
London Carlton Hyatt Hotel, summer barbecue at Kensington Roof Gardens, black tie dinner dance.
I was worried, though, about age. I checked with Stanley Mann who runs the club. “Be frank with me. I’m 70. Before
I put down £45 for a cocktail party or £89 for a dinner dance, will there be anyone
there who would come up and talk to me or conceivably ask me to dance?” I pictured myself standing on the sidelines like a
teenager at a first dance, a wallflower.
“There
are men who come who are 65, he replied, “but most
attendees are in the 30 to 55 age range. I
have to be honest. The older men simply prefer
the younger women.” (Joan Collins may be the exception). He suggested a dining club of older business
people, singles, who come mainly for networking. At
£75 a throw I decided not to have a go.
The
Second Date
The next agency member who said he was interested in
meeting me was 84. Horrors, I thought. He’s
ancient. He was the first, though, who had
been widowed. And when we talked over the
phone he expressed the same needs I had -- a person who is there to share conversation, to
fill the gap a spouse of many years has left.
When I told the interviwer he seemed too old she said he was very
physically fit and lively. She had been
impressed by his intellect.
He was impressed with my conversation on the phone,
revealing he had already turned down three
other women. Would I come to his house? I
should take the morning train from London, he would meet me at the station to take me to
his house for morning coffee, then to his golf club for lunch, and return home for
tea. He said he wanted to show me the house so I
would be comfortable with it for the future.
I was slightly alarmed. The future! He
didn’t want marriage, it had said on his profile, just a committed partner to share
those conversations.
I couldn’t go through with it. When he called to confirm arrangements I had to
tell him frankly I was not interested in living with someone, nor for that matter, in
marriage. It would not be fair to him to
initiate a relationship that was not going where he wanted it to.
What I’ve not been too honest about, is that I am
still interested in a physical relationship. I
miss it. But the thought of someone
else’s ageing body - other than that of my spouse - has filled me with undesire.
 The agency guarantees at least 12 suitable introductions over a period of
a year and will extend the year if 12 have not been arranged. But at this point I decided
not to go on.
I have my friends, family, my writing
and volunteer work, and I will have to take my chances.
Some one may appear but I seem to care less and less. It does take time to adjust to life alone, but I am
not lonely. I still turn to that invisible
person on the couch when something comes on television that reminds me of a joke or an
experience. I may even form the comment in my
mind, or alarmingly laugh out loud.
I do, after all, make the comments, and I do still laugh.
What
I Learned
· Try a reputable agency. It may
work. But even
if it doesn’t, going through the process teaches you valuable lessons about what you
want and need. You’ll be changing too.
· It’s a fact of life and death. Over 65s women will find mates thin on the ground. 65 plus men will
have richer pickings. But there is still hope.
· Relationships start most naturally from friendships and friendships start
with common interests.
· Remember you can never replace the one who has gone. They were unique, and the qualities they possessed
were unique. The new man or woman will also have
unique qualities.
Resources:
Losing a wife, husband or other long-term partners through
death can be such a devastating experience that it affects all our relationships. These publications offer helpful suggestions: Friendship, Sex
and Marriage ( leaflet, £1.50). The Empty Bed
(book, £7.95) plus p&p. Order from Cruse Bereavement Care, tel: 0208 940
4818, fax: 0208 940 7638
|
The Dating game when
you`re over 65
