Grannies with attitude

Three worries if it`s your son who is the new father  

• He’ll be woken up at night by the baby

• He’ll be neglected because of the baby

• She expects him to do too much  

Several things both grannies will disapprove of    

• The baby sleeps in their bed

• The baby is too old still to be breast fed

• She puts the children to bed too early

• She puts the children to bed too late

• When is she going to stop the night feed?

• All she ever gives them to eat is tuna sandwiches and pasta

• She’s going back to work too soon

Hazards of grannying

• Fingers caught in pushchairs, unable to fold/unfold buggies, hamfisted with disposable nappies, etc (if in trouble, approach any young women in street for assistance)

• Hurting your back trying to wedge a two-year-old into the car seat

• Hurting your back getting a hefty two-year-old out of the car seat

• Mistaking people such as nanny, mother, childminder for other grannies at the playcentre

• Catching every new virus after the grandchildren sneeze all over you

• Being presented with a snotty fingertip following a nosepicking session

• Boring friends when you bring out the photos and tell the irresistible anecdotes

Grannies on a guilt trip - things you don`t tell the loving parents

1. The longeurs of baby sitting

• You fell asleep in front of the television and didn’t hear the baby cry

• You gave him only half a bottle and put him back in his cot  and then ignored further cries

• You’ve been clock-watching and dozing on the sofa since 11 pm and are desperate to go home  -but greet the parents with a big smile and say ‘no problem’ when they appear at 2 am

2. Other untrue confessions

• ‘Yes they had their milk and fruit’ (omit to mention the fact that they insisted on biscuits, sweets, iced cakes, fizzy drinks, ice cream, cusps first)

• ‘No, they didn’t watch much television’ (only a two-hour video)

• ‘They played beautifully together’ (using their toys as missiles)

• ‘That bump on his head? He fell over in the garden’ (actually it was in the park on the swings when you looked away for one brief second)

• ‘No tantrums or problems’ (apart from the moment her finger got stuck in the video socket)   

On second thoughts admit the truth, before the children tell on you  

Granny`s biggest challenge  

How to create a hands-on grandpa

Six ways to avoid being a hands-on granny   

• Sell the family home as quickly as possible

• Buy a one-bedroom studio apartment several miles from any grandchild

• Avoid seaside, countryside or villas abroad - choose a main road with heavy traffic, no garden

• Smoke and drink alcohol with abandonment, have wild parties. Consider hard drugs

• Cultivate unsuitable pets - rotweiller?  alligator?

• Acquire a series of lovers

NB None of these may discourage the grandchildren, but their parents might have doubts  

laterlife interest

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