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Well why not? It isn’t every day you can
nobble a sympathetic listener, I think to myself, as I make all the
right noises and smile and nod my head and encourage them to excess.
I’m a great listener and they become great grumblers.
So why doesn’t it work the other way round? Why, when I go into my
‘ain’t it awful’ routine, do I get the glazed look? It’s not that
I want a lot of sympathy. All I am asking for is a bit of air space.
So why remind me of good things when I just want to rant about bad
things? I don’t need telling about people worse off than me. I know
all that stuff. I just want some comforting grunts of agreement and
the occasional ‘there there’.
Is it only ‘old folks’ who have permission to grouse and groan and
is it patronising to listen and nod and smile when their moans are
repetitive and boring?
I don’t think so. I’m providing a sort of social service, a sort of
voluntary ‘scratching post’ for needy whingers who have no one else to
turn to.
It is thought by some in the therapy business, that grumbling is
therapeutic; they call it ventilating your feelings, a posh title
that makes it a good thing to do. Except it isn’t always a good
thing. A little ventilation goes a long way. Too much of it, and you
are in danger of wearing a depressing groove in the brain - a groove
that can sabotage the gleam of tentative optimism when life gets a
little better. Trust me, I’ve done it.
Over the years, with psychotherapy and cognitive counselling,
I’ve had some of my grooves smoothed and flattened out. Now relatively
groove-free, I just want to indulge in the occasional grand grumble.
Except that it doesn’t seem an OK thing to do, and few people know how
to cope or indeed how to listen.
With luck I get a few minutes from the people around me.
But then the advice-and-rescue mode intrudes. It’s ‘Have you
thought of….’ Or ‘Oh that happened to me…..’ and they’re off and
running and I grit my teeth and roll my eyes.
So what stops me grabbing it back? What stops me telling them -
excuse me, but it’s my turn?
Because I’m paranoid about becoming a bore.
So I’ve been thinking: how to make it a great (even fun) experience
for grumbler and listener alike?
 First
rule of thumb is to amuse. Stand-up comics are the best grumblers
on the planet. They rant about everything under the sun and make us
laugh. Do it funny and you get smiles and attention.
Second rule is to be completely egocentric while you’ve claimed your
air space. Never mind about being boring. Think about all the times
you’ve had to listen to other people’s stuff. Time to call in a
favour.
Third rule: state very firmly at the outset that you’re in moaning
mode and want five minutes, or five hours, of their time. Their
agreement gives you the right to stop them in their tracks if they
utter more than small sighs of sympathy.
And lastly, if you really want to boost your confidence, play
the deprecation game. People’s knee-jerk reaction to self-deprecation
is reassurance. You are great, wonderful, and no, absolutely not
boring. You will get reassurance in spades. Until they suss your game,
that is.
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