|
The Older Woman Who Wants It All (OWWWIA) is
not, contrary to expectation, a neglectful granny. She
can't be as hands-on as those old-style grans with wide
open spaces in their diaries. She may, however, have to
go to extraordinary lengths to fight for her own space
with the grandchildren.
Fight? The OWWWIA has many obstacles in her
path, not only those arising from her busy
lifestyle. There are the nannies and au pairs and the
above-mentioned always-available grannies, and ballet
classes and horse riding and other after-school
activities that are part of the grandchildren's
lifestyle. And, most formidable of all, there’s the
stay-at-home-daughter-now-mum/ex-career woman who has
decided not to want it all and is taking time out to
bring up her children herself.
Here are three identifiable OWWWIAs. Check
yourself out.
1. You've got the stay-at-home daughter
It starts out fine. After the first baby, daughter goes
back to work and the OWWWIA is in much demand.
She may have to struggle and juggle to be a part-time,
hands-on granny and the effort may be killing her, but
who's complaining? After the second baby arrives, and
ditto third if there is one, daughter decides to make a
career of mothering, and everything changes.
Suddenly, the bigger children acquire a social life
through their contacts at school and nursery. They go
to each other's houses and have friends home. This is
not solely for the sake of the children, it is also a
way for daughter to make friends locally, to network
about the best schools, best ballet classes, best baby
sitters and cleaners.
With this going on, there is little time in any week
for the OWWWIA to get a look in, and the only
solution is to make covert arrangements with the
grandchildren when their mother is out of earshot.
2. You're a long-distance career gran
Typically, this OWWWIA will have started her career
fairly late in life (possibly after her husband has
left her for a younger woman or when the children were
growing up). She throws herself into her work, gets
promotion and power which may involve travel or long
working hours or living some distance from her
children. She makes a new life, maybe gets herself a
new man and is complimented by everyone for being such
an achiever/not being a victim.
But having had to deal with the Other Woman, she
finds new competition when the grandchildren are born.
This time the rival is the Other Granny, a woman of
possibly more years but fewer interests who, let's face
it, wins hands down as the childcarer.
One solution for this type of OWWWIA is to use
bribery. Being the long-distance granny has novelty
value, and she can use her financial independence to
rent a
holiday cottage for the whole family. A couple of
weeks under the same roof as the grandchildren may well
prove that a little of what you fancy is quite
enough.
3. When paid carers are your rivals
You can't blame full-time working mums for choosing
full-time childcare. If they can afford it, this is
far more convenient than relying on grandmothers,
especially those who can only give fragments of their
time. That's when grandmothers are marginalised.
It's important to understand that from the point of
view of nannies, au pairs and childminders,
OWWWIA are a pain. Here's why:
grandmothers who come and go tend to mess up timetables
and schedules. They take the children on outings and
don't get them back at the time the nanny or au pair
would like. Since a good childcarer is like gold dust,
mothers do not want to offend them.
Of course, some paid carers find it attractive to have
time off during their working hours and are only too
happy to put up with the odd foibles of grandmothers to
gain this perk. But then their employer is likely to
see this as not good value for money. So again it's no
time for the less-than-full-time granny.
 What's
the solution? See answer to problem No 2 and count your
lucky stars.
PS On a more serious note, if you need
support and advice on being a grandparent, check out
the website: www.grandparentsplus.org.uk
|
Helen Franks offers some
(lighthearted) advice to New Laterlife Woman
