 In many ways we tend to relate best to those who
behave a bit like us. The young woman
in my first story, the seemingly neglected middle child, was different. Her older sister was a typically responsible eldest
child, helpful, serious and hard working. The youngest child, a son, was the apple of his
mother’s eye and a ‘chip off the old block’ who spent a lot of time helping
dad in the garden. The ‘black sheep’ seemed to spend her life doing spectacular
things, but they didn’t seem to be the ones appreciated by her parents. She excelled
at sports, passed tough exams in record time with top marks, and her professional status
was such that she and her husband enjoyed a privileged lifestyle. Yet she complained to
me, ‘Mum and Dad are seriously unimpressed with me for some reason’.
What the young woman described to me all that time ago was the discomfort of feeling her
siblings were jealous and critical of what they saw as her easy life, though she knew it
was far from it. No matter what she did and how hard she tried, her parents seemed
disapproving. Her husband now felt angry on her behalf and would leave the house if they
visited. She felt she just didn`t fit and it upset her greatly.
We all have different ways of showing that we care
about our families but it is very important that we find a way that is understandable to
all. The oldest and youngest of these children are attuned to their parents enough to
read subtle messages of approval. The middle child needed a different approach, one that
fits with her direct way of doing things. In childhood perhaps she felt her siblings had
all parental approval and successfully acted up or worked extra hard to win some for
herself. This tactic is no more useful to her now than her parents’ one of hoping she
will see how much they care by expressing worry over her hectic lifestyle.
What if, I wondered to myself…
They start to show interest
in her life
Ask questions about her
work
Offer to have her children
to stay more often
Tell her from time to time
how proud they are of her many achievements
Reassure her that they care
very much about her
They are able to resist
criticising and expressing worry, which to her sounds like disapproval.
Maybe she in turn might be able to admit how exhausting her life is and stop trying so
hard to be different and better. They may find that if the relationship with their
daughter improves, her husband will see them as less of a threat and make more effort to
get to know them.
I think creating a little space for being different
within the family would free them all to be adults, rather than just keeping to the roles
of Mum or Dad, Son or Daughter, Brother or Sister.
For reasons of confidentiality Maggi never writes
about a particular person but all her examples are based on problems raised by clients,
family and friends over the years. We hope you find the column useful and interesting
… and if you have any comments or
suggestions, Maggi would like to hear from you. Either
share some your own experiences in the laterlifecafé.com or email her on maggi@laterlife.com .
To view previous editions of Maggi`s column see below:
1. - Retirement, a hidden sting?
2. - Boundaries of being a grandparent
3. - Still strangers after all these years
4. - First steps to a new beginning
5. - Holidays can spell trouble
6. - A new start after divorce
7. - Sarah leaves home
8. - Sex in a long-term relationship
9. - What about the children
10. - So good when they go
11. - We are never ready for this
12. - Time for a Spring-clean
13. - I don`t like granny
If you would like
to contact Maggi at her Consultancy you can phone her on 0207 7337890.
Please don't send any confidential information to laterlife.com
To view previous articles - see the laterlife-interest index page
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