Most of us grow used to our parents always
being around, engaged at a measurable level with what is happening in our own lives. If
that parent develops Alzheimer's, they are
still there physically for some years, but we can never know from one visit to the next
how emotionally and intellectually they will be there.
Watching the
person you love changing
"The changes in
my mum between visits have usually been
imperceptible, but on a few occasions I've been taken aback by the deterioration. Then,
sometimes, the next time I visit she seems better.”
“ It
feels impossible to grow accustomed to the way our parent is deteriorating. There are times
when he will be ready for a nice trip out in the car or a long chat, but there will also
be times when he is withdrawn and distant, even vacant.”
The progress of the disease is
certain, but the short-term variation is unpredictable.
For the visiting son or daughter this is very painful. It feels like a rejection and yet
most are aware that this is nothing more than the effect of the disease and may not last,
though gradually it will become established in the final stages of the illness.
Seeing the
`carer parent react in what seems like an inappropriate way
“ My dad is very
self-centred. He does not like his fellow human beings and has spent many years since his
retirement avoiding them. Despite the fact that mother would benefit greatly from outside
help, he refuses to have anyone in their home.”
"When,
after some heated discussion, I told him that all of us who care about mum were very
unhappy about her not receiving the care she needs, his response was 'Well, you'll all
just have to be unhappy. It's my home and I'll decide who comes in.' I was very angry. I
never got on with Dad, but this took my feelings about him to an all-time low".
This is a far from uncommon problem and can lead to very painful conflict
within the family just at a time when everyone needs
each other’s support more than ever. It can make some people think badly of the
'carer' parent and see their early experience as a child of that parent in a different
light. They may feel extreme anger, sadness or frustration at what they feel was missing
and what they see as similarly missing for their ill parent now.
It is painful in the extreme
to lose respect for a parent and feel in some way let down by them. In some instances this
review of their childhood and the parenting they received may trigger depression or early
grieving.
These feelings are natural, but one way to make them more bearable is to
remind oneself that the parent may have been a steadfast provider in their day, reliable
even if lacking in affection, and doing in fact, the best that he can do.
Coping with feelings
“At times I've had to 'reset' the image of my mum that I
have, ‘This isn't my mum. She's a new
person I need to get to know’. That helps a bit. I can still enjoy the memory of that
lively, irrepressible lady that I used to know and appreciate being with the person she is
now.”
As the disease progresses the parent we knew is less and less present. Their personality appears to change and we have
no option but to accept the person who is before us. They may be tearful or vacant, angry
and awkward, childlike, clinging and fearful. Letting go of our parent as Alzheimer's
takes over is a slow and very distressing process. It demands our greatest strengths and
efforts to be able to adjust to each change as it happens.
We
need to hold the memory of how the parent used to be and cherish that as we try to cherish
the person we watch and possibly even struggle with at times.
This may be a gentler way of coping with the very different feelings towards the 'carer'
parent as well. Perhaps there was some element of kindness or humour which we can hang on
to, value and recall with a smile to soften the present just a little. It is a long hard journey for all concerned.
We hope you find the column useful and interesting
… and if you have any comments or
suggestions, Maggi would like to hear from you.
Either share some your own experiences in the laterlife forum or email her on maggi@laterlife.com .
To view previous editions of Maggi`s column see below:
1 - Retirement, a hidden sting?
2 - Boundaries of being a grandparent
3 - Still strangers after all these years
4 - First steps to a new beginning
5 - Holidays can spell trouble
6 - A new start after divorce
7 - Sarah leaves home
8 - Sex in a long-term relationship
9 - What about the children
10 - So good when they go
11 - We are never ready for this
12 - Time for a Spring-clean
13 - I don`t like granny
14 - Black sheep or just different?
15 - Is it our age or is our marriage on the rocks?
16 - We can`t get on with our daughter-in-law
17 - My brother is very ill; how far should we
interfere?
18 - Dr Alzheimer`s Prison
You can write to Maggi at maggi@laterlife.com
for her to respond in the column.
To view previous articles - see the laterlife-interest index page
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