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Depression
and the family: part 2
When
your child suffers from depression
 Peter
showed early signals of depression. In
his teenage years, he suffered with bulimia, an eating disorder often
linked to feelings of dissatisfaction with
appearance and a need to feel strong and in control.
He ate with the family but when alone exercised madly, growing painfully
thin. At university he was self-conscious about his appearance and pretty
soon was coming home every weekend, finally dropping out of his course. He
always managed to convince his worried parents all was well even when they
expressed concern; “He had a way of gently fobbing us off”, says his
mum. ‘And we went along with it because we didn’t know what else to
do.’
Recovering his confidence at home,
Peter returned to university and took another degree course. Sadly
the fear that is in so many parents’ minds when their children leave
home became reality as Peter turned to alcohol and drugs to help him
cope socially. “He had a knack of sounding bright and reassuring
whenever we phoned”, his father explains.
Again, they held back, trying not to voice their concern for fear
of alienating their child.
Anxiety and panic made Peter’s
life a misery and led to his emotional collapse after a heavy night out
with friends. The drugs and the booze put too many stresses on his system and
he was admitted to hospital suffering from a massive panic attack. This
was when Peter realised he needed to do something rather than live with
daily fear and stress. He called his parents who immediately came to his
bedside and arranged for him to see a psychiatrist. Peter was diagnosed as
having depression in 1994, at the age of 26, and began searching for ways
to manage his illness.
After finishing university Peter
made a living from being a DJ and opened a successful café/bar. Peter’s
mum recalls that time. ‘Our
fears grew once he returned to university and then stayed to run the bar.
Never being drug users or big drinkers ourselves we do wonder if they
contributed to his illness. We saw him only briefly every few months. In
that short time we never had an accurate picture of how he was feeling. As
parents we only wanted the best for him. We were concerned and worried
that he felt a failure and that he had placed undue pressure on himself to
succeed’.
It was hard for the parents, on these flying visits, to talk to their son
in any depth. They would drive to Peter’s home, take him out for lunch
and have coffee in his bar before leaving.
Peter remembers some of these visits, ‘Mum and Dad would come up and
I’d be wasted after a busy night in the bar and a party somewhere. I was
exhausted, but by the time they left they could see the bar filling up
with the evening crowd. They could see what kind of life I had but were
never critical, always supportive.’
As
a family who always talked to one another they felt medication was not the
whole answer to treating depression and have reservations about that
period of medical care
when Peter was being given a range of anti-depressants but no therapy to
back it up. But then, something
useful did come out of it. Much to
their relief, Peter sold his bar and returned to the family home to look
for work locally. He realised that
he needed the more supportive environment that his parents could offer,
and chose
to see a Cognitive Therapist.
Coming home was a testing time for
all, and still remains so. Peter’s parents recognise he has been
independent for eight years and needs his adult privacy but have laid down
some important ground rules. They know that no matter how many times
depression affects a person, there is always a fear each time that it
won’t go away. When Peter is
under-occupied, his mood steadily lowers, so his parents feel the most
effective support they can offer is to just be there when he wants them
and encourage him to stay active and involved in the family whenever he
chooses.
Peter and his parents demonstrate
some of the ways of facing depression. After initially burying their heads
in the sand, each realised they
had a role to play in doing something about it:
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Peter
asked for help following the terrifying panic attack
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His parents acted immediately to find help
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They stood back while Peter learnt how to handle his illness
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They are always ready to support or find other help if their son needs it
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They provide close support for each other
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They all communicate with each other honestly and respectfully
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They do not judge and keep the channels of communication open
When
there is depression in the family, there is often a perceived stigma about
mental illness.
By keeping talking and also having the support of other
family members and friends, this stigma can be reduced and the real issues
can then be addressed: the
importance of finding the most effective treatment.
This has happened with Peter and his family.
Peter
has been taking a close interest in his treatments, and
he is watchful of side effects.
‘On Seroxat I lost my libido and interest in anything but my depression,
but an Anxiety Management Course and CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy)
made me more aware of the external triggers, and I also recognised that I
had a problem trying to verbalise what I was feeling. It’s a male
thing’, he says with a
smile.
He
has found one of the newest antidepressants, Cipralex, very helpful and is
dealing with his alcohol problem with the help of Alcoholics Anonymous.
Peter is active in Depression Alliance, a leading
UK
charity
for those affected by depression offering information, support and
understanding.
 Useful
Organisations
Alcoholics Anonymous:
Tel:0845 769 7555
www.alcoholics-anonymous.org.uk
MIND,
National Association for Mental Health
Tel: 0345 660 163 (outside
London
)
Tel: 020 8519 2122 (
London
area)
www.mind.org.uk
Medication and Drugs Helpline
Tel: 020 7919 2999 Mon - Fri, 11.00 17.00
Depression
Alliance
Tel: 020 7633 0557
www.depressionalliance.org
National Drugs Helpline
www.ndh.org.uk
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