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Depression and the family:
part 3
When your partner suffers from depression
In this, the last of my pieces on depression, I want to
look at the triggers for depression in later life and how can we best help
those we care about.
Watch the sky. Soon
we’ll see the days staying longer, and when sunlight breaks through it
will be brighter, stronger, warmer.
Spring, for many who have
suffered under the clouds of a winter depression, brings some hope of
relief. The suffocating feelings
associated with being shut indoors during the wet, cold and interminable
dull greyness of winter give way to a sense of liberation.
But not for everyone. There
are people for whom spring comes with a deepening rather than lessening of
depression, as the spirits of other folk begin to lift.
This isn’t an unusual reaction.
Lots of depressed people are sensitive to the feelings of others.
They register the change but feel disconnected, even guilty or
challenged by someone who, out of a genuine desire to encourage and help
their loved one, will suggest an outing or visit “because it’s such a
lovely day and the sun will cheer you up”.
The net effect can be to further
remind them that everyone else is out behaving normally and enjoying
themselves; that they are not easy to be with when they are down; that
they are failing their partner or family if they can’t ‘buck up’.
It is a common feeling, particularly among older men, who
may think that they should be strong enough to handle depression, not
realising that it is an illness and not a sign of weakness.
Rory is someone who had great difficulty in admitting to
this sense of failure. He found it
impossible to get past the feeling that he was being weak in some way and
should sort this out himself rather than bother his new partner Pat or
trouble their GP.
 But
for Pat the situation was not unfamiliar. She
had got over the idea that men were somehow tougher emotionally and would
therefore cope, years ago when nursing her husband through terminal
illness as he faced and acknowledged his vulnerability.
“In some ways Mick left me an
unforeseen legacy”, explained Pat, “It’s as though being with him
through that final illness gave me a much more balanced view of how men
handle their feelings.”
Even so, she admits to getting
frustrated when Rory wouldn’t talk, and she lost patience when he tried
to handle his depression alone. She had always encouraged Rory to visit
his GP and it took all her tact and reassurance and also time, to get him
to see that this was the best move.
There are plenty of reasons in later life why people
become depressed:
-
Retirement may not have turned out as they’d
hoped
-
They might be missing their friends from work
-
Money/pension concerns are a worry
-
The body is showing more signs of wear and tear
-
Energy levels run down faster and sleep is not what it
used to be
-
They are affected by decline in fitness or changing
appearance
-
Family flies the nest
-
Parents or friends grow old, experience chronic
illness or die
All of these are
normal events in later life. For
many, they can mean the lifting of earlier pressures, or they cause
temporary sadness and stress. But
for some they are triggers for depression that can be prolonged, intense
and accompanied by other symptoms which may have been missed by the
sufferer if they have been trying hard to cope and keep busy.
If this is the case for your
partner, try to encourage them to talk to a GP or a counsellor. Suggest
they write down their symptoms and take the list with them.
It’s easy to forget to say the things that are important to a GP
who is busy. But depression is an illness GPs take seriously,
and most will try to make time to find out how the patient feels.
 GPs may be able to say if a
depression seems mild or serious, and can be remedied by non-drug
treatments, or needs medication.
If the doctor prescribes
medication do ask questions. Are there side effects of the medication?
How long before these wear off and the drug begins to work? (Some
drugs can take up to three weeks to make a difference and it is possible
to experience side effects for that amount of time.) What is interraction
with other medications you are taking (including complimentary ones)?
There are non-drug treatment options. I list some of
them here:
Recommended
reading:
When
Someone You Love has Depression
This book is full of up to date
information on how best to support someone who withdraws into the world of
depression, look after yourself, how to stay positive and offers
explanations of different types, causes of and treatments for depression.
Lots of practical advice and helpful information on complementary
treatments as well.
by Barbara Baker
Sheldon Press 2003
£7.99
Help
Organisations:
 Depression
Alliance
The leading UK charity for people
with depression and their families. Provides information, support and
understanding to those affected. Has an excellent range of clear and
accessible booklets covering all aspects of the illness.
Website: www.depressionalliance.org
E-mail: information@depressionalliance.org
Tel:020
7633 0557 (London)
0131
467 3050 (Scotland)
029
2069 2891 (Wales)
Samaritans
24 hour telephone and e-mail
service for the suicidal and those in despair or needing to talk.
0345 90 90 90
Website:
www.samaritans.org
E-mail:
jo@samaritans.org
Anonymous
source e-mail service: samaritans@anon.penet.fi
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