O
Brother, where art thou?
My title could
just as easily be ‘brother/sister, who art thou?’ For how well do
we know our brothers and sisters? In later life, the people we have spent our most
formative years with can all too often become strangers.
For decades I have been able to recall a childhood incident when my elder brother was
beaten by my father. I adored Dad and years on we all miss his presence. My brother,
who lived with and cared for both him and my mother in their old age, grieved for them
when they died. But he is a quiet, private man and I have grown concerned about the
possible effect that beating, so dramatic and violent in my eyes, might have had upon him.
 But when I mentioned this the other day, as we
were sorting through some of Dad’s things, my brother laughed. ‘I remember it
all right!’ he said, ‘but I’ve never given it a thought since.’ He
said that at the time he had accepted that he’d deserved his punishment. After
all, he and his pal had set fire to a new and carefully tended hedge in the garden,
in which Dad took so much pride.
I have to accept that my brother has genuinely forgiven Dad for his anger and loss of
control and virtually forgotten about it. The odd thing is that I was the one who
clung on to the drama of that moment for so many years.
Perhaps it is not so odd, though. I am regularly presented with cases that show
how brothers and sisters can lose sight of who they really are in this way. It is
common for them to lose touch for years, only to start to wonder, as they reach the stage
where they take on the mantle of the senior generation, who their siblings really are.
Even staying in touch with a brother or sister does not guarantee we know them well. We
may have shared parents, home, childhood events and conditions, holidays, even schools
perhaps. But once we are adults, we create our own circle of friends and we eventually
choose partners who our siblings may or may not like. But we do not (in western societies
at least) seek their approval. We are pleased if they get on, but if they
don’t, then we will probably go ahead anyway. And they will do the same.
When Pete and Marion met at university and married, they made their home in a village
close to Pete’s sister and her family. But although they ‘kept in touch’,
they found visits hard-going because Pete’s sister felt Marion was ‘too
different’ and ‘a highbrow who won’t fit in’. Perhaps she had a point,
for Marion went on to study for a higher degree. Yet, at the same time, Marion did try
hard to build bridges with Pete’s family and never saw herself as a threat to the
ties between her husband and his sister.
As in any other sort of relationship we need to work at the basic rules that can keep
communication going:
Accept that although we had the same
parents and upbringing, we are individuals and hold different experiences in our memory.
We choose different types of partners and
build different lives.
Respecting the difference in family
members is vital. One may be gregarious and another shy, one ambitious, another content
with their status quo.
Living a different way, with a partner we
wouldn’t have chosen, doesn’t mean our brother’s or sister’s choice is
wrong. Showing interest in their way of doing things mustn`t be dismissive and, if done
well, can lead to the strengthening of family ties.
These days, we are quite likely to move
away, sometimes far away, from our original home territory. This could start when we
go to university, say, or job-hunting, or on marrying someone from a different place.
Whatever the reason, it means that we will tend to lose the close contacts of childhood.
At home with Mum and Dad, our interaction was familiar and automatic: we reacted to
whatever was going on around us in our individual ways but also as a group, a family.
After years of separate life, many people cannot sustain the closeness of contact with
brothers or sisters that enables them to be as unconsciously knowing about them as when
they were children. Some lose touch completely, either through conflict or simply
because of physical distance. Whatever the reason, it is common to find that thoughts
about brothers and sisters come to mind more often in later life.
For some, to regain contact feels vitally important. For others, it is laced with fear
and reservations. ‘What if she looks down on me for not making as much of my life
as she has?’, ‘what if he is still the bully he was all those years ago?’,
‘what if they feel I have moved too far up the career ladder to have any time for
them?’
 When her parents died, Sarah’s
emotional reunion with a long-distant brother led to great joy, and pleasure that they
were at last truly supportive of each other. As a child, Sarah remembered being
bullied by her brother, and now she looked forward to a new and different relationship. But
then, just as she was ready to let go of the unhappy memories she had held on to since
childhood, she found find that he had re-established himself as the bully he had been. She
began once again to find herself in the involuntary position of underling.
But, with the help of supportive friends, she was able to stand up to him, accepting that
it could mean he once again was less present in her life. As she found ways of resisting
his demands and threats she found she became more assertive in other parts of her life as
well.
What can you do if you still feel criticised by a sibling?
Stand by the choices you have made in
your life; they are made for your individual reasons, not for any other.
Acknowledge your roots in the same family
and tell your sibling how much you would like to build a new, balanced and more healthy
relationship with him or her.
Calmly tell the critical sibling that
although childhood was made harder because of criticism or bullying, you are no longer
that child and choose not to expose yourself to that kind of treatment as an adult.
If necessary, remove yourself from their
company, saying that you would still like to meet, but only as adults and equals.
This way you quietly demonstrate your strength and willingness to keep the door open.
Like any other adult relationship, we
need to work at our communication with our brothers or sisters, respect their differences
and their privacy, and accept what we see as their faults as we might any other person. That
can mean hard work, even hard choices at times, but it will help you to maintain, even
deepen, relationships with siblings - if you wish. It has the bonus of allowing each of
you to check out and ask about areas of childhood that are a bit hazy, to find out more
about yourself, and enjoy the odd reminiscence.
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