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My husband has
had a stroke and his behaviour makes him impossible to live with…
A Laterlife member writes:
After a difficult and stormy 35 year
marriage, my husband and I, both in our early fifties, seem to be at a
point of no return. My husband suffered a stroke six weeks ago and his
behaviour seems to have changed for the worse.
He has always been something of a bully and all
but one of our children have cut off contact.
I have always tried to achieve peace and
harmony through understanding, forgiveness and compromise. As an
old-fashioned misogynist and bully, my husband sees these as my
‘weaknesses’.
Over the years, friends have advised me to
leave him and I have, but always returned. Our remaining daughter has MS
and is living here in the house with her husband and two small children.
Sadly, she is feeling increasingly alienated from her father as he dictates
how to raise her children and complains of her family’s presence. This is
most upsetting as she pays rent for their accommodation. He resents any time
I have with the grandchildren, is jealous of my closeness to them and is
critical of our son-in-law.
Since the stroke, he tells me he cares
nothing for me and threatens me physically. He is at home and I am
nursing him, but my life is more miserable than ever.
I have undertaken to stay with him and help
as long as I am physically able, but I am losing any of the remaining
affection I felt towards him. I don’t know if he will eventually adapt or
continue to bully and control, keeping this new extra aggression and spite
even if he improves physically.
I feel guilty about feeling this way but don’t
know where to turn or how to handle things.
Maggi replies:
 It sounds as though you have led a very hard
and difficult life, always trying to be understanding, the peacemaker
and mender. Sadly your children, apart from your daughter, are not around
for you.
It also sounds as though your husband has
become much more difficult and angry since his stroke.
I am sure many people will tell you that to
have a stroke while still relatively young is a huge blow and shakes a
person’s confidence profoundly. The most mild mannered of folk can manifest
changes of personality that surprise those around them. This can be
connected with several things:
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The emotional shock of the illness
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Damage can occur in the brain following a
stroke
-
Depression, stress and feelings of anger or
hopelessness and other changes in mental well-being are well documented
after-effects of stroke
You don’t know if this is why your
husband is more hostile or not, and if it is a permanent change in his
character. Perhaps a talk with his GP or Hospital Consultant might help
here.
What concerns me most is your feeling that
you no longer have the strength to resist his attacks and that they are
becoming more physically threatening. No one can continue loving and caring
under these circumstances and it is very important that you talk with your
daughter and son-in-law about how you arrange your own mutual support
system. You are of no help to your husband or yourself if you become unwell
or live under the threat of being physically hurt.
Your husband has to know that he is
threatening what remains of his family and with it his only hope of
having your support while he recovers. He also needs to know that to be in a
constant state of anger and dissatisfaction is going to raise his chances of
another stroke occurring.
You say you have always been the one to
strive for harmony, forgiveness and compromise in the family. You need
to ask yourself if this has been a success or if there is room for some
adjustment on your part that will enable you to become more responsible for
your own peace and less responsible for everyone else’s. Your family are all
adult and responsible for themselves.
Perhaps the compromises you have made have
also eroded your own self respect. You owe it to yourself and your
future stronger relationships with your estranged children to take hold of
the reins and decide what you will and will not put up with. Note I use
‘will’ and not ‘can’? You must be firm.
Ask yourself these questions, they may help clarify some points for
you:
If things become completely unbearable
How severe was your husband’s stroke?
Does he have sole control of family finances? Things are more complex if he
does. Can you set a little money aside in case things continue to worsen?
In an extreme situation it may not be financially possible for you
to consider living apart from your husband, or easy to persuade him to find
a flat elsewhere. But in this event, perhaps it would help focus his mind on
the effect he has on you all if the three of you together were to tell him,
quietly but firmly, that you intend to live separately from him in the house
as his behaviour is no longer acceptable.
Help for you
Finally, it seems to be that you might
benefit from someone to talk to who is outside the family. There
is much research to show that the physical and mental health of carers can
be badly affected by the strain of coping. If you can, find a counsellor,
perhaps through the Stroke Association or the hospital.
You need to spend time exploring how you can
build back your own confidence. It has taken a battering over the years and
is badly needed now.
Contacts
Website: www.stroke.org.uk/index.htm
Stroke Helpline: 0845 30 33 100
Family Support : The Stroke Association’s
community service, Family Support, is a visiting service providing emotional
support in the early days after the stroke and over the time when the
patient goes home. If the service operates in your area, the organiser will
lend a sympathetic ear to your problems, suggest practical solutions, and
point you towards all the help you are entitled to.
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