It could be
you...
‘I admit I have neglected the
physical side of our love…’
Michael writes…
My
partner and lover of many years has fallen out of love with me.
About six months ago, she renewed a relationship with an old boy friend
from the very distant past - from over forty years ago in fact. We have
shared mutual love and affection for over thirty years. I am 64, she will
be 60 in August.
I admit that
I have neglected the physical side of our love for two years. She has
told me that she wanted more and I didn’t give, although we got on well
together, no bickering no arguments. Now I am absolutely devastated to
find she doesn’t love me anymore. I love her and want her so much, it
hurts very badly. We still live together, in our house, but I don’t know
for how much longer. I am frequently telling her I love her still, but it
doesn’t seem to help and I feel more rejected each time I do so. I have
started counselling with Relate. I am too afraid to tell her about Relate,
for fear of further rejection. Should I tell her?
I have read
the responses to your posting in the laterlife forum, Michael, and am
glad to see some responses have recommended that you tell your partner of
Relate. It is, as they suggest, a way of demonstrating your commitment to
the relationship.
It sounds as though other
assurances have not been heard or believed. I wonder why that is.
When we have
been with someone for so long it as likely that we slip into a way of
being together that is comfortable and has its own communication system.
Much of this is based on knowing a great deal about each other; simple
things like what food or drink preferences the partner has. These pose
very little problem, but when we begin to assume we know that our partner
is happy because they have said nothing to us, we can slowly lose contact
with the real person without even realising it.
When the that loss results in
lack of communication, especially about sex, it is very hard to think of a
way to regain closeness.
Yet there are
ways to do this, though they require a commitment to make some changes on
both sides. You say that you have neglected the physical side of your
relationship for two years and that your partner wanted more.
-
Did you
talk about this as it was happening and check out if the situation was
all right for her?
-
How often
did you discuss this together?
-
Did you
both manage to acknowledge it as a joint problem?
-
Or did you
both assume it was your problem alone because you had lost desire for
her?
Loss of
desire, or drive, or physical loss of ability through illness or
disability, need not shut the door on intimacy and sexual pleasure for a
couple. Providing it is talked about and seen as a ‘couple problem’
rather than an individual problem, it stays manageable.
An ailing sex
life in long-term relationships, if unattended to, can lead to a feeling
of alienation and an assumption that a partner no longer wants you
physically, or is not interested in you as an individual, is bored with
you or finds you unattractive.
Unless those
assumptions are cleared, that person will begin to feel unattractive, less
sexually confident, become worried over the state not only of your, but
their own libido. It is an ongoing project for us all to maintain
communication about this.
(Of course,
if the lack of interest is mutual, there is no problem, but in that case
both people need to acknowledge this too and share the feelings about it.)
The good news
is that there are many ways to maintain, prolong and enhance our emotional
and sexual enjoyment these days and plenty of books that clarify
things and inform us in a simple, constructive and helpful way. Sex is
much less of a taboo subject for discussion – although still rather a
tricky one for many mature people. The older a person is the less likely
their upbringing was one where sexual awareness was encouraged, discussed
and information made easily available.
A Relate
counsellor will help you to find ways of expressing yourself and offer you
information that can be very helpful and supportive in all areas of
relationship. I am very pleased to see you are going to talk to you
partner about what you are doing. Whatever the outcome, you will benefit
from having somewhere to explore what it is that you can do to help you
work through the difficulties you are having.
The following
books may prove useful to you. They can be ordered on the Relate website:
www.relate.org.uk
or type `relate books` into Google and you are there in a
flash.
Relate Guide
to Loving in Later Life: How To Renew Intimacy And Have Fun In The Prime
Of Life
Marj Thoburn & Suzy Powling
£9.99
This
constructive guide to sex, loving and relationships for the 50-80s age
group suggests that life - and loving sex - begin at 50+. The book draws
on a wide range of case studies and offers advice for those who want to
keep improving the quality of their relationship, whatever their age.
The Relate
Guide To Sex In Loving Relationships
Sarah Litvinoff
£9.99
This
understanding book guides the reader step-by-step through the underlying
problems which can arise in any relationship and inhibit a fulfilling sex
life. It offers a wealth of practical advice on sexual techniques and
sympathetic guidance on overcoming possible sexual difficulties.
After the Affair (Relate guide)
Julia Cole
£6.99
Finding out
that your partner has had an affair can feel like the end of the world;
the ultimate betrayal. This book takes a frank yet sensitive look at why
people embark on affairs, explores the devastating effects on the person
who has been betrayed, and shows how individuals and couples can recover.
NB Look out
for a new book, Intimate Relations: Living and Loving in Later Life
by Dr Sarah Brewer to be reviewed next month in laterlife.
(Published by Age Concern Books
price £9.99)
Every month Maggi Stamp, a
qualified and experienced relationship counsellor for Relate and in private practice,
writes about some of the emotional challenges we meet as we pass our half-way markers. For
reasons of confidentiality Maggi never writes about a particular person's problems unless
you have sent one in to be answered, but all her examples are based on problems raised by
clients, family and friends over the years. 
