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IT COULD BE YOU….
I think he only wants sex, not a relationship
Jan (not her real name) has spent much of her life bringing up her two
daughters alone. Twenty years on they are both Cambridge graduates and
Jan is at last feeling that she can spend more time on herself and her own
studies and be more free to socialise. She has been happy and enjoyed life
with the girls, but missed the company of a sexual partner.
Although she had offers of companionship and sex over the years, she
found none of them very exciting prospects until she met a man at work
who shared her interests and a similar background. He told her of his
divorce, his daughter, who is roughly the same age as hers, his ‘breakdown’
following the end of an affair with a married woman he was madly in love
with, and his elderly mother who he cares for. He lives in a flat just ten
minutes away from both his mum and Jan.
Their relationship has been conducted entirely at Jan’s flat. He has
promised to invite her to his home, but the offer has never materialised.
Despite reminders from Jan, he has never introduced her to any of his
family. His visits are just long enough to make love, rest for a while and
then he has to leave. They have never spent a night together, as he says he
suffers from night-time epilepsy. He is always ill at ease when they venture
out together.
Jan has been left feeling that she is unimportant to him and that he
might also be hiding something from her. He apparently remains
passionate about her, but his calls are made from a mobile phone or the
office, as he has told her that he has no landline at his flat. His visits
are always arranged at very short notice.
She was stunned lately when he put a note through the door, saying that
for the moment they should stop seeing each other. He also wrote that he
was going to pay attention to the points she had raised about the
unsatisfactory nature of their relationship and go to counselling. He said
that he was still not over the affair with the married woman who had
returned to her husband but now left again; and that until he met Jan he
only dated married women.
Jan’s daughters, who have met the man briefly, tell her she could do much
better for herself - that she is an attractive and very sociable woman.
She recognises that where she is open and friendly, he is introverted,
‘turned in on himself’. He often seems older than his years and is
over-protective towards his mother. Jan feels that she is kept at arms
length and has always felt that while sex has been ok for him, he has failed
to please her fully.
The drawback is that she has been reawakened to the sexual side of
herself. He still calls her frequently, and when they talk on the phone
they both say how much they miss sex. Jan recognises the inequality in the
relationship and has even had a sexual health check since hearing about his
affairs.
She is feeling distressed and is unable to concentrate on finishing her
postgraduate thesis as she has such conflicting feelings – he does
nothing to make her feel she is important to him, but she is hooked in
because of the phone calls.
Maggi answers
I get the feeling you are halfway to making up your mind, Jan. Your
daughters know you best of all and they are offering you their honest and
loving opinion. As you grow more confident in your studies and gain a busier
social life you are able to take a good look at what you have to offer to a
partner and ask yourself what you would like from them.
-
Now, ask if what you had with this man was
a fair exchange, was it balanced, with both partners making mutual
contributions? It doesn’t sound like it. You mentioned having doubts
about the reasons for his unwillingness to stay overnight and how he never
introduced you to any of his family. You are right to ask why. Of course
there may be a genuine, totally valid reason – I just cannot think of one
right now.
-
Perhaps this man is making a sincere effort
to sort out the confusion he has between loyalty to his mother,
freeing himself of the married woman and commitment to a relationship. But
what has he done to demonstrate commitment to you? What are you going to
do in the meantime - stay in and wait?
-
It is really good that he has given you a
renewed interest in the sexual side of your self, but it sounds as
though that is the most he has offered. Is that enough? Yes, you have had
some companionship and pleasant times, but there have been no great events
like holidays, weekends, concerts, meals out, family gatherings or
celebrations. In two years you might have justifiably expected some of
these things.
-
You are in an even better position now to
exercise more of what bringing up children alone has given you: power to
direct your own life. You know you can look after yourself and I am
sure you believe that you deserve more than what this man has been able to
offer you.
-
Perhaps he will be ‘freed’ through his
counselling, or when his elderly mother dies, but he cannot ask you to
wait for him, and he has given you no sign that he wants you involved
in any more than sexual relief. It would be a pity for you to hang on for
something that may never materialise and waste precious years that you
have worked so hard to enjoy.
Go out and hunt for fun, friendship, generous sex, open sharing of all
the good things you are longing for. You may not achieve all of these
things, but you are very likely to achieve some of them. And that’s far
better than hanging around and feeling dissatisfied over something that
may never get any further.
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| laterlife interest
The above article is part of the features section of laterlife.com called laterlife interest. laterlife
interest contains a variety of articles of interest for visitors to
laterlife.com written by a number of experienced and new journalists.
It includes both one off
articles and also regular columns of a more specialist nature such as healthwise, reports from the REACH files,
and a beauty section called looking good in later life.
Also don't forget to
take a look at our regular IT question and answer section called YoucandoIT by IT trainer and author Jackie
Sherman.
To view the latest articles and
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Every month Maggi Stamp, a
qualified and experienced relationship counsellor for Relate and in private practice,
writes about some of the emotional challenges we meet as we pass our half-way markers. For
reasons of confidentiality Maggi never writes about a particular person's problems unless
you have sent one in to be answered, but all her examples are based on problems raised by
clients, family and friends over the years. 
