It is a heady and seductive
feeling, being listened to, having someone be that interested in us. We treasure the
experience and the person who gives it. But how many people look back in later life
and remember it as just that, a rare experience that happened in the past? What happens to that first flush of interest and
attention-giving years on?
 Patrick tried to compensate for working long hours
by doing things with Jill and their children at the weekends, and seeing friends
regularly. But this left no time at all for them to just be a couple and enjoy each
other’s company. They had lost the habit of talking things over and it had led to a
sad, muted existence where they got on with the day-to-day tasks of life but were unable
to share worries or pleasures. Each resented the other and both felt on the brink of
giving up on their marriage.
Friends suggested counselling to Patrick when he
mentioned his worry - he was concerned that Jill was becoming more withdrawn.
‘Was it her time of life? Was there someone else?’ He couldn’t ask. It was,
he said, as though he didn’t know her well enough!
They were back, full circle, at the ‘strangers’ stage.
It was time for asking questions, and, more
importantly, time for a lot of very focused listening to one another. I suggested they set aside some time for some
listening work. It is tiring, it takes time, concentration and energy but can reap
great rewards. Most of us listen with only part of our attention much of the time.
Patrick and Jill did their version of the following
exercise for a while and reported to me how it had worked. Initially it felt forced
but they gradually talked for longer. I noticed a change in the way they paid attention to
each other in our sessions. It felt safer now, explained Patrick. He felt that Jill was
not going to be angry and Jill felt he was actually interested in her.
How do you listen to
each other? Try this for yourselves:
Make sure you
are not going to be disturbed phone
silenced, computer, TV, radio etc. off, children out or asleep.
Choose a comfortable a room private, with
no distraction. Sit near, but not side by side at a table will do.
Now, one of you speak for 3 minutes about yourself
- maybe a recent, pleasant recollection of when you were first together, a way you have
changed over the years, or something new which really interests you. N.B. Keep the content fairly light, this is not
therapy.
This is the hard part while your partner
is talking maintain your attention, no gazing around, no impatient gestures and say absolutely nothing, nod or smile but no words.
When you have finished (you might be
surprised at how long 3 minutes feels) do not
discuss what has been said. It is not right or wrong and not important for you to
agree. It is information about what your partner thinks or feels.
 Now swap the other person talks about
themselves.
Afterwards you can talk about how it feels to
be listened to and given undivided attention, or you can think about that and tell each
other later. If you want to talk about what was said it must be at another time so that
you consider what you want to say and make sure it
will not be hurtful.
To view previous editions of Maggi`s column see below:
Edition one - Retirement, a hidden sting?
Edition two - Boundaries of being a grandparent
If you would like
to contact Maggi at her Consultancy you can phone her on 0207 7337890.
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