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IT COULD BE YOU….
Late divorce: how mother and daughter react
Many older divorced women nowadays do not conform
to the stereotype of the deserted wife. But children
may not always realise this.
Sally was divorced three years ago after her husband of
thirty-five years left her for someone much younger.
Sally is a popular person with a large circle of
friends and an absorbing job. Contrary to some
expectations, she is feeling pleased to be free of her
ex-husband as their marriage had not been happy for
some time.
For two consecutive years Sally holidayed with her
daughter Emily, son-in-law and their two children.
She was pleased and surprised to be invited and
accepted willingly, but this year she has not been
asked. She is aware of a degree of tension in her
dealings with her usually open and loving daughter.
Sally is not short of other holiday offers, and
though the time spent with the family was lovely,
she doesn’t feel concerned about not having been asked
this year. She simply regards the time spent on family
holidays as a bonus to a newly enjoyable life. But she
is a little worried about the change in Emily and
wonders whether this is due to an unnecessary sense of
responsibility or perhaps guilt on the part of her
daughter.
Sally decided to confront Emily on this matter, and
discovered a number of misunderstandings.
Emily had assumed that her mum must be bereft
following dad’s departure and would need looking after
and cheering up. But she also feared that her mum was
in danger of becoming reliant on these family holidays
and would expect to be asked every year. Result: she
had been feeling guilty and had avoided the subject of
holidays.
Maggie says:
This is a wonderful example of how easy it is for
us to get things tangled and misunderstood and how
useful it is to talk when we feel something has changed
in a normally good relationship.
Emily was naturally worried about how her mum would
cope after the divorce. It is certainly no easy
task to adjust to a single life after so many years of
marriage. But what she was worrying about may well have
got confused with her own feelings of loss about the
breaking up of a family structure that good or bad -
had been there all of her life. She had her own
adjusting to do, and perhaps she needed her mother to
be with her more for a while during that time without
realising it. Maybe it was she who was temporarily a
little more dependent on her mum than the other way
around.
The breaking up of a family structure has consequences
for adult children just as much as for younger ones,
and also for the whole family group. This is often
missed or misunderstood by people when they work their
way through the adjustment period. It is a process that
can take a few years after all, a family that has
grown and developed over decades cannot be changed
overnight.
It sounds as though Sally had not taken time to
talk with her daughter about her own feelings
concerning the ending of her marriage. This is such
a delicate thing to do when talking to a child of that
marriage. A daughter or son will have a very different
set of feelings towards their dad than their mother
has. They may not like to hear that the marriage has
failed for several years.
Sally will need to take great care not to damage
whatever is good about the father-daughter
relationship, while trying to reassure her daughter
that the divorce was a positive thing and that she is
feeling good about the life ahead of her.
She will also need to understand that Emily had
made her own personal assumptions based on how she was
feeling herself and might even be thinking about
her own marriage and the possibility of it failing at
some future time. It is clear that Emily had not been
able to see that her mum was entering into a full and
varied social life and enjoying herself.
If you are a parent in such a situation it is
useful to think about the following:
-
Most importantly make time to talk to your
children
-
Ask them how they are feeling about the situation
what are their worries and anxieties?
-
Tell them how you are feeling in an honest way, but
try not to talk critically or vindictively about
their other parent
-
Let them know of your own worries clearly, briefly,
and in a way that won’t leave them feeling they
have to make you feel better
-
Tell them what gives you pleasure now and what you
look forward to in the future.
-
Make it clear to your children what you enjoy about
being with them but also that you will not expect
them to provide all of your social life for you
-
If you do enjoy an active social life, then tell
them a little about it. This will reassure them
that you are ok
-
Ask them how you can be of help to them, and be
clear in what ways you might need their help
occasionally
-
Work out together what is acceptable in terms of
sharing time, seeing the grandchildren, helping
with childcare, visiting, holidaying together
-
Let them know that they are in no way responsible
for the following; the ending of your marriage to
their other parent (even in adult life this can be
a worry to a son or daughter), your health and well
being, your social life although you hope they
will always be a part of it
-
If you are an adult son or daughter in this
situation it is useful to think about the
following:
-
Most importantly talk to your parent
-
Ask them how they are feeling about the situation
what are their worries and anxieties?
-
Tell them how you are feeling in an honest way
-
Let them know of your own worries clearly, briefly.
They may be able to offer you some reassurance or
help. Even if they can’t it, will be useful for
them to know
-
Ask them what they hope might give them pleasure in
the future and be prepared to offer ideas if they
are still finding things hard they might only be
able to think of things like being close to you and
your children
-
Make it clear to your parent what you enjoy about
being with them, but also say that you hope they
can develop a new and wider social life
-
Ask them how you can be of help to them, and be
clear in what ways you might need their help
occasionally
-
Work out together what is acceptable in terms of
sharing time, seeing the grandchildren, helping
with childcare, visiting, holidaying together
-
Let them know that you will always be concerned for
them, ready to help if you can
-
If you feel you want them to be involved in your
life, tell them, but be clear about how much
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laterlife interest
The above article is part of the features section of
laterlife.com called laterlife interest. laterlife interest
contains a variety of articles of
interest for visitors to laterlife.com written by a
number of experienced and new journalists.
It includes both one off articles and
also regular columns of a more specialist nature such
as healthwise, reports
from the REACH files, and a beauty section called
looking good in later life.
Also don't forget to take a look at our
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trainer and author Jackie Sherman.
To view the latest articles and indexes to
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Every month Maggi
Stamp, a qualified and experienced relationship
counsellor for Relate and in private practice, writes
about some of the emotional challenges we meet as we
pass our half-way markers. For reasons of
confidentiality Maggi never writes about a particular
person's problems unless you have sent one in to be
answered, but all her examples are based on problems
raised by clients, family and friends over the years.
