|
IT COULD BE YOU….
‘My elder son’s behaviour is causing concern with my ex and his new
partner’
Linda writes:
‘After divorcing seven years ago, my two sons stayed with their father
as I was moving away for work. I have my boys fortnightly for the
week-end and also phone them regularly. I have remarried and have a
two-year-old boy with my second husband. My first two sons adore their
new brother.
My ex has a new partner too. Though we haven’t met we speak to each
other on the phone. I feel we relate well and that she cares for my
boys and wants the best for them.
However, my elder son’s behaviour at home is apparently causing
serious concern. He believes my ex's partner hates him and frequently
tells her that he hates her. They have many conflicts. He constantly
texts me with distressing messages of his unhappiness and feelings
about his dad’s partner.
He insists I phone him nightly and will often text in-between calls.
He demands my attention constantly. When with us at weekends he sleeps
with me, and my husband has his bed in the living room. His brothers
lose out on his company.
This emotional demand is having a huge strain on my current
relationship and causing everyone stress. My son says he wants to live
with me. I would love this but my financial situation is much less
secure than his father’s where he enjoys a comfortable life style. He
wouldn’t have that with me. Nor do I have suitable accommodation, as
we only have one bedroom.
I have so far given constant reassurance and tried to present a united
front with his father and new partner. I feel it is only right that I
support her since I know she is deeply concerned. But this does not
seem to be working.
I think we all need help over this. Can you advise us?’
Maggi replies:
The strain your son’s behaviour is putting on everyone must be
extremely worrying for you all, including him of course. It is
important that he is made to feel safe and loved, but it will not help
him or anyone else if he thinks he can insist upon or dictate how he
is treated.
It feels as though there are several strands to this complex and
upsetting problem.
-
You left seven years ago, and although you do not say how old your
sons were at the time, I imagine they were quite young. They may have
unresolved feelings about this huge event.
-
You have remarried and have another son. They could feel that it
makes them less important in your life, as a baby or toddler takes up
so much time and attention.
-
You talk of your former husband’s partner as ‘new’. This means that
a big shift in their main home structure and dad’s attention has
happened too.
-
You live in a home that has no bedroom for him and his brothers.
In order to understand a little more about what could be troubling
your son, let us look at some of the typical reactions to divorce
manifested by children. Although seen as age-related, for all kinds of
reasons a child can present these reactions when they are way past the
most typical age to show them.
The under-3s have periods of heightened attachments to specific,
significant carers. They have limited capacity to tolerate prolonged
separations from these carers or for disruptions of significant
routines, e.g. mealtimes and bedtimes.
Common behaviours in pre-school 3-5 year olds:
-
Regression to earlier stages of development
-
Clinging possessiveness to people and objects
-
Sleeplessness
-
Help-seeking or aggressive, non-compliant behaviour
-
Attention-seeking.
Main emotional reactions:
Pre-occupations for 5-8 year olds:
The 5-8 year old child of divorce is pre-occupied with feelings of
loss, rejection, guilt and loyalty conflicts. There is intense grief
and concern over the parent who has left home, and intense longings
that, one day, he/she will come back.
They may regress into thinking/feeling like pre-school children.
8-year-olds cannot regress like younger children, but don’t have
adolescent coping-mechanisms either. They may appear sensible and
composed, but this may belie confusion or depression.
How 9-11 year olds cope:
9-11 year olds often form alliances with one parent. The child can
experience pity, worry, fear of abandonment, and fear of punishment.
Forming alliances with one parent offers safety and connectedness.
In this age range, parent-child boundaries are more likely to be
crossed and the child may try to become:
-
parent to the parent - nurturer, comforter
-
the replacement spouse/partner
-
'just good friends’ - sibling with parent.
Attitudes of 11-16 year olds:
The 11-16s may rationalise when under stress, saying perhaps that they
are pleased their parents are apart as they know how they stand. They
may also resort to contempt or denigration - 'stupid, incompetent
adults'.
Boys may have discipline problems at home and school, and some may
become aggressive and even violent. They may have difficulty in
separating from or leaving their single mothers.
On reaching adolescence:
From 16 upwards, adolescents may be compassionate, arrogant, pedantic,
idealistic, angry. They are better able to cope but they can regress
into earlier types of behaviour.
Without knowing your son’s age, I cannot make a direct connection to
one type of behaviour, but it does sound as though he has regressed to
a younger stage, perhaps, at times, to the age at which you left home
and his dad became principal carer? It is quite possible at such a
time for even a small child to repress his own feelings of grief,
fear, hurt and anger, in order to ‘be a good boy’ for mummy or daddy
and look after his younger sibling.
A new person in dad’s life is a blow to the fantasy held by most
children that their parents will eventually get back together again.
The new partner will need support, as no matter how kind and caring
she is, she runs the risk of being the receiver of all the pent-up bad
feeling that a child may feel he can’t afford to direct towards his
parents.
Once your son’s feelings are stirred up and coming out, their power
could be frightening. He will become very insecure and needy, hence
the heavy and divisive demands he is making on you - in the manner of
a much younger child creating ‘an alliance’.
Most children of eight or over do not expect to sleep their parent’s
bed all the time. Don’t tell him that, but offer a cuddle, reassurance
of his safety and your love, along with firm affirmation along the
lines of:
“This is our bed and although (step-dad) cares about you very much, I
want him to sleep in his own place in our own bed. He will never take
your place in my affections, there are special places for you all”.
Make sure you say that is you who wants this.
There are good and bad times to say this, and the best is well before
evening so that your son isn’t faced with the news just as he prepares
for bedtime, tired and expecting to take his preferred place in your
bed.
Perhaps you fear making yourself unpopular and causing further upset.
All parents have to cope with that from time to time. Your son might
be hurt and angry, but provided you remain loving towards him he will
know it is ok to say how he feels and that you won’t reject him
because of it.
-
Give him time to adjust.
-
Let him know that you are unable to respond to all of his texts but
will talk to him on the phone each evening for a set period of time.
-
Be firm about this but always be ready to talk if you have arranged
it.
-
Make it clear it isn’t possible to have him living with you but that
you always love the time when both older boys come for the weekends.
-
Don’t exclude the other boy, for both their sakes.
Encourage him to deal with his ‘complaints’ about his other home with
dad. His father needs to listen and to try to reassure him that he is
safe in his main home.
He needs to know from dad that the new partner is not going away, but
that he loves the boys just the same, that she is very fond of them
but isn’t going to try to be their ‘mum’. You need to show that you
accept her presence and get on well with her.
I wonder if having some kind of family event where you all meet would
help. This would demonstrate an extended but united family that could
be reassuring to him – and to his younger brothers. Adult anxieties
could be approached by a grown-ups-only meeting first, to talk the
problem through and plan ways of supporting the boys and each other.
Relate Guide To Step Families
Suzie Hayman
£8.99
One in three people find themselves as part of a step family or
‘second family’ at some point in their life. This book offers
practical and positive strategies for coping for all the people
involved – ‘new’ parents, established parents, children, the ‘ex’,
grandparents.
Remarriage: What makes it, What breaks it
Helen Franks
(Bodley Head, out of print but available from libraries)
|
Every month Maggi
Stamp, a qualified and experienced relationship
counsellor for Relate and in private practice, writes
about some of the emotional challenges we meet as we
pass our half-way markers. For reasons of
confidentiality Maggi never writes about a particular
person's problems unless you have sent one in to be
answered, but all her examples are based on problems
raised by clients, family and friends over the years.
