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IT COULD BE YOU….
After divorce: can you be good friends with your ex?
When all the dust has settled and life has found a new pattern after
divorce, new challenges are likely to present themselves.
One of the more nerve-racking of these is
meeting the new partner of an ex-spouse for the first time. Whether
you are the ‘leaver’ or the ‘left’, the feelings of tension around
this event are very high. And if there are children of the broken
marriage, then it is highly likely to be on the cards sooner or later.
The occasion might be a child’s birthday, a wedding or a general
family gathering of some kind.
Here is Jeannette’s account of such a test.
“I stayed very close to my ex-husband’s
parents after the divorce. We had been family for such a long time and
I loved them as if they were my own parents. My sister-in-law too
stayed friendly and in touch.
“For about three years all was steadily
sorting out when the prospect of a party to celebrate the golden
wedding anniversary of my former parents-in-law came around. By this
time my ex had married the person he had left me for and she was
partly involved in arranging the event.
“I was dreading meeting her and
seriously considered not going. My children, both students at the
time, had already met their ‘step-mother’ on several occasions and
pointed out to me that their grandparents were very fond of me and
would be upset if I wasn’t there. They and their partners were fully
aware of how I felt and promised to be around to help me through.
“I can’t tell you how nervous I was.
To this day I’m not sure which I was more afraid of: seeing a
ravishing young thing in the position I used to be; the painful
memories it would bring rushing to the surface; or losing my self
control and blurting out something embarrassing.
“On the day, with my kids faithfully
sticking to me like glue, I walked into the party, heart pounding,
to be greeted by every member of the family so warmly and
affectionately that I managed to avoid ‘the moment’ for some time.
That welcome was so reassuring that when it came to the point of
meeting the new wife I was able to mumble polite and neutral words of
acknowledgement and move on.
“Finally, at the buffet table, we got
talking together. I found her friendly, open and welcoming. She
told me how pleased she was to meet me, and how relieved. She said
that she had been dreading it, and immediately I said that I had too.
It seems that we were both scarlet with stress as we met. She was
obviously having similar fears to mine!
“By the end of the day I felt I had
cleared another hurdle towards my single life and I’m glad it happened
that way.”
Maggi says:
Jeannette was fortunate in having the
support of her children and of the extended family to help her through
what is a very sensitive time. She had been able to talk to her
children, and their loving reassurances helped her to achieve an
important milestone towards a stronger life.
Not only is it hard after a long
marriage to adjust to single life, there are also the fantasies as to
what kind of person an ex-partner has chose as a ‘replacement’.
Is it possible to have a good relationship with an ex and his or her
new partner?
There may be bitterness and recrimination to start with, but time can
heal if there is a will for it to do so. Another danger may be to
remain dependent on the ex partner and find it difficult to move on.
This was the case with another divorced
woman, Debbie. She had found it very hard to separate from her
husband, and tried to include him in her life rather too much. She
still relied on him after ten years to fix things in her house and
support her financially whenever she needed it. Unfortunately letting
go had not fully happened for her, blocking her ability to move on.
Sadly she remained stuck in all of the pain and regret of their failed
marriage.
Meeting the new in-laws
I recently attended the 60th birthday
party of my former husband and was warmly introduced to all of his
‘new’ in-laws for the first time by his wife, with whom I have a
reached a state of friendship and respect over the years. He has been
in his second marriage now for as long as his marriage to me lasted.
Meeting his in-laws was surprisingly
easy and relaxed. There was an emphasis on how many positive
things we all have a common share in.
They complimented me generously on my children, now adults in their
own long-term relationships. Even more healing and strengthening, they
said how much they would like it if they were able to refer to my
children and grandchildren as part of their family too. They made me
feel acknowledged and included. It was a great celebration!
Reaching openness and acceptance
It can take a long time to reach that kind
of openness and acceptance, and so often it is a painful and
seemingly-lonely road to tread. My aim in counselling those coming to
terms with the end of their marriage is to slow down the expectation
of the recovery process.
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Finding peace after the end of a long
relationship will take a long time.
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There is a natural period when you
experience grief, anger and feelings of abandonment and redundancy.
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The pain of loss of the former way of
life stays for some time and it is normal for it to come back
occasionally for all kinds of reasons.
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It is important not to rush to put it
all of this to the back of the mind.
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First we re-learn to exist on our own
and cope with raw emotions and any physical fallout such as broken
sleep, weight loss, lack of concentration.
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Gradually we make more and more solo
decisions.
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In doing that we steadily strengthen and
rebuild our damaged confidence and sense of individuality.
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For most people it is only after some
time, when acceptance of a new kind of relationship with the former
spouse is established, that one can move towards accepting that he
or she has made a new life and the new partner is an important part
of it.
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In coming to respect that, we give
ourselves freedom to move on and make our own new life stronger.
‘Moving Forward and Parents Apart’ are two excellent courses
run throughout the year in many parts of the UK. See
www.relate.org.uk for
further information.
The following Relate Guides are available in most bookshops as well as
on the web. Many of my clients, male and female, have found these
books very helpful.
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The Relate Guide to Moving On. Suzy
Hayman, £9.99
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Relate Guide to Starting Again. Sarah
Litvinoff, £7.99
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Relate Guide to Step Parenting. Suzy
Hayman, 8.99
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How to Succeed as a Single Parent.
Carole Baldock, 6.99
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Every month Maggi
Stamp, a qualified and experienced relationship
counsellor for Relate and in private practice, writes
about some of the emotional challenges we meet as we
pass our half-way markers. For reasons of
confidentiality Maggi never writes about a particular
person's problems unless you have sent one in to be
answered, but all her examples are based on problems
raised by clients, family and friends over the years.
