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IT COULD BE YOU….
How we feel about getting older
Recent conversations with older people have highlighted the
fascinating variety of ways to face - or not face - the
ever-shortening period of life left to us as we live into the eighth
decade and beyond.
A friend said to me a while ago, “ I have mostly the past, very
little future; all I have left is the present. And I shall live it.”
Although I have some way to go yet before joining this noble band of
70-and-80-somethings, I have been considering how I might feel when I
reach that stage of later life.
I have watched and talked with many elders and been filled with
admiration - and hope – by their determination and even ‘joie de
vivre’. Although sometimes house-bound through arthritis or heart or
respiratory problems, they remain interested in life, gossip,
politics, sport, as well as their friends and family.
In an account of the tributes in the House of Lords to former Prime
Minister James Callaghan, who died recently, (on the eve of his 93rd
birthday), his daughter Baroness Jay said that he had been looking
forward to resuming his place in the House after the coming election.
He was one who “never lived in the past”, and he was anticipating “a
good crop of raspberries in his garden in July”.
That isn’t so for everyone. Interest and determination can be severely
shaken for some people, as more and more in their circle become ill,
and as they find a growing frequency of funerals to be attended. Yet
attending funerals can have a strange bonding effect - meeting friends
or colleagues from working days. Funerals provide the opportunity to
reminisce and many people rather enjoy such occasions despite the
sadness. But, of course, as the years go by the group grows smaller.
One spry 91-year-old lady says she has run out of friends and funerals
to go to. She’s the only one of her social group left. Now she relies
on a few young friends in their 60s and 70s for company. Others have
expressed feelings of loneliness, of not belonging to today’s bustling
world. They feel detached and see that as the beginning of their own
leave-taking.
I meet once-vital people, who, though still healthy and physically
able are starting to tire of the everyday pleasures that have
sustained and entertained them for decades. Unlike Jim Callaghan,
while still tending their garden, they are less enthused by the signs
of another spring and the appearance of the first bright green leaves
or shoots.
“I’ve seen it all before”… “Everything is so much worse than it was”…
A journalist who worked for many years on a national daily newspaper
coined a phrase that seems to have echoed down the years through those
who knew him. “Progress means deterioration”, he would say, and his
old colleagues would nod sagely and murmur in agreement, noting also
the wry humour with which he said it.
There is an unspoken assumption that by the time you reach your 70s or
80s, you will have experienced loss many times and will now be more
able to cope with it.
Not true.
Grief in later life is about so much more than the loss of another
contemporary. It involves the memories of shared experience, good and
bad, the loss of connection, memories of youthful vigour and the
realisation that there is nothing to do but adjust to the situation.
One 85-year-old compared being old and being young to the difference
between a traction engine and a Ferrari. He said, “When you travel
slowly it’s so much harder and takes much longer to change direction”.
Coping with change requires insight and humour and resilience. It also
needs help.
We, in younger age groups, need to make room, and time, to listen to
older friends and family, and to adjust to their pace. We may have to
accept that, as time goes on, there may be less desire and ability in
older people to change at all.
If you are one of the older visitors to the website who identify with
this experience, be reassured, it is absolutely normal to take time,
to feel sad and to grieve or feel lonely. But do talk to a friend, a
relative, or, if you don’t have anyone to confide in, ask your GP to
book you some time with the surgery counsellor. You can always post a
note in our Laterlife Café - it is a friendly and welcoming forum.
There may well be others who share your feelings and you could make
some good new friends.
Remember, you have many amazing qualities – not least your open and
enquiring mind - after all, you use new technology in to keep in touch
through laterlife.
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laterlife interest
The above article is part of the features section of
laterlife.com called laterlife interest. laterlife interest
contains a variety of articles of
interest for visitors to laterlife.com written by a
number of experienced and new journalists.
It includes both one off articles and
also regular columns of a more specialist nature such
as healthwise, reports
from the REACH files, and a beauty section called
looking good in later life.
Also don't forget to take a look at our
regular IT question and answer section called YoucandoIT by IT
trainer and author Jackie Sherman.
To view the latest articles and indexes to
previous articles click on laterlife interest
here or above. To search for articles about a
certain topic, use the site search feature
below.
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