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IT COULD BE YOU….
My partner is an alcoholic
Mark writes:
I'm 56 and met my present partner on the rebound after finding
that my wife of nearly 30 years was having an affair. As she had hotly
denied it, I thought I'd never be able to trust anyone again.
This happened when I was going through a nervous breakdown,
forcing me into early retirement, after the death of our 15-year-old
daughter from cancer. I moved into a flat on my own, where I spent a
lonely year trying to regain my confidence. Then, via the Internet, I
got to know a woman who was also going through a marriage breakdown.
We became close friends and, when we met, realised we were in love.
Eighteen months later we still are, and live together.
But: she is an alcoholic. This affects her health, her
personality and her 10-year-old son. It is straining our relationship
dreadfully and destroying my re-built trust in others. Yet she refuses
to seek professional help.
I'm not sure how long I can keep going if I stay with her. So
now, to jolt her into realising what the problem is doing, I am saying
that unless things change, I will move to a place of my own. It will
be nearby because we still love one another and I do not want to
abandon either her or her son, who has come to rely on me as her only
stable influence.
Am I doing the right thing? I would so much appreciate your views
and any advice that you could offer.
Maggi answers…
You have been through so much and your struggle to find some peace
and happiness continues. The trauma of watching your teenage
daughter fight and finally succumb to an awful illness at such an
early age is a terrible thing to face. I’m very sorry; it is every
parent’s worst fear.
Sadly, it isn’t uncommon for such an event to put enormous strain
on a marriage, as each person deals with their loss - sometimes
understandably - unable to share grief or comfort each other.
Following the break-up of your marriage, and the wilderness year
living alone, you found new friendship on the internet which sounds
very powerful.
Relationships that follow great traumas can be very
highly-charged, but because they start at a time of intense emotional
upheaval, they can sometimes be founded on needs that are not lasting
and emotions that are not sustainable long term. It sounds as though
your partner also had huge needs and was unable to move past them. You
probably gave her the acceptance she was lacking in her struggle with
the end of her marriage and her alcoholism and have given her young
child someone to trust in and rely upon.
Sadly you have tried all you can to help her beat this addiction to
no avail and it really does sound as though you are making the
right decision to move out and live separate lives. She will not be
able to beat her addiction until she decides to do it for her own
sake. It is too much to ask of an addict to stop for anyone else. The
terrible thing for the rest of the family is having to stand back and
watch while the person struggles with the awful consequences of the
illness until their realisation kicks in.
You have been through enough. Your own self preservation is
telling you to withdraw – maybe temporarily, but perhaps permanently.
Painful though it is, you need to do this for yourself in the
knowledge that you have - and can - trust another person after all.
Even if this relationship does not survive, you have loved
someone else at a time when you didn’t think it possible. Sometimes a
transitional loving relationship can turn our life around and,
although the powerful relationship itself cannot last, the effect it
has on us is profoundly healing and can bring new insight and purpose
to our life ahead.
Type Al-Anonuk.org.uk into your search engine and you will find
many very useful links to support you and possibly your partner’s
twelve year old daughter.
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