Though he no longer
felt any love for his wife, he did respect her and the way she had maintained a stable
home for the children. He knew she would find it hard to make her own way as a single
person. He felt he owed it to her to support her financially after the years she had given
to the family.
Children.
The most painful thing for Martin was the thought that the children would blame him and
not want to see him. Despite his very deep worries, he felt unable to talk with them about
his concerns for fear of upsetting them and fear of being rejected by them. He was
determined they would want for nothing. What he wanted most of all was to have a home of
his own, where his children would be happy to visit and to spend time with him.
 Living alone. After so many years of
living within a traditional family unit, Martin dreaded the thought of being alone. If he
could afford a place to live, would he have the time and inclination to take care of it?
Could he manage to sort his washing, to cook, clean and iron? What about social life? At
the moment of separation he felt more like hibernating than socialising. The thought of
dating filled him with dread. He wasn`t sure anyone would want a man who had been married
for twenty years and had the financial and emotional commitment of teenaged children.
Guilt. For many people this is an inescapable
part of splitting up, especially if they are the one to be leaving the family. Martin was
haunted by feeling that he should have spent more time with the family, been more
attentive, less busy. Things might have been different. He wondered too if he should just
stay in this loveless marriage and accept that this was it.
After all, there was a certain comfort in being at home, with the children, near
friends.
New relationships. This is a big worry for
anyone leaving a long-term marriage or relationship. They worry that they have lost the
skills needed to build a new friendship. This lack of confidence is not surprising given
that they have been living with someone who hasn`t been interested or attracted for some
time. There can be a fear that there is nothing left to offer, especially when money is
going to be very tight.
Physical and emotional health can take quite a
dip when leaving the family. To avoid his rented flat and forget that he was missing the
children and the material comforts of home, Martin threw himself into work after the
separation. He put on weight and slept badly.
The key things to take time over
are:
The welfare of the children. Talk to them. They need to be reassured and told clearly of
the situation, but without criticism of their other parent. Try not to over compensate,
they need you to be what you always were to them.
The finances - both temporary and longer term. Try
to find a degree of flexibility, as circumstances can change. If you can't agree it really
does save on solicitors’ fees if you have a couple of sessions with a Mediator.
A new routine of caring for yourself. When coping with the inevitable sense of loss, it is all
too easy to neglect yourself. If your health fails then everything suffers as a result.
Try not to get stuck in the ‘if onlys’. It takes a lot to leave a long marriage and generally a
long deterioration means it isn`t retrievable.
 The anxiety that accompanies a new life isn`t fixable straight
away. Loss of your home and its routines take time to ease, you need to allow time to
recover. For this reason it is better to feel secure in your new life before entering into
a major new relationship. At a later stage Martin recalled this stage of his life as
‘a bit of a blur’. It was only in retrospect he realised how traumatic the whole
experience had been.
To view previous editions of Maggi`s column see below:
1. - Retirement, a hidden sting?
2. - Boundaries of being a grandparent
3. Still strangers after all these years
If you would like
to contact Maggi at her Consultancy you can phone her on 0207 7337890.
Please don't send any confidential information to laterlife.com
To view previous articles - see the laterlife-interest index page
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