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IT COULD BE YOU….
’I’m ashamed of my weight and I don’t
feel loved’
'A' writes:
I have been married for 30 years and have three adult children whom I
love dearly. However, I have suffered from depression for a number of
years and my husband says this is the main reason we are both so
unhappy.
I am an intelligent, loving, funny and
giving person. I have many wonderful friends and many reasons to hold
my head up high, but I have gained a great deal of weight through
comfort-eating and I feel ashamed of this.
My husband absolutely hates the way I
am. I am so unhappy, I don't feel loved but just tolerated and am too
scared to leave. Help!
A’s problem was one that she put on the Laterlife Forum,
selflessly expressing a hope that it might help others in a similar
situation.
It drew a variety of responses, including
one from myself. Several of these focussed on what A might do
to lose weight, and it was at this point that I felt the focus of her
distress was being lost in the very kind offers to ‘solve’ her problem
for her.
This ‘displacement’ is also what her husband might be trying to do
when he puts the blame on A’s depression as the main reason for
their unhappiness.
My further thoughts follow:
A is in a very unhappy situation and it would be interesting to
know which came first, the marriage or the depression. If this is
something that has been part of her from before they met, then she has
achieved a great deal in very difficult circumstances. She has done
wonderfully well to have maintained such a long marriage and brought
up three children who are a source of great pride for her.
But if she became depressed since
being married then understanding how this has occurred could give
her some insight into what to do about her situation.
She talks of feeling unloved, just tolerated and afraid of leaving.
I wonder if her depression is more to do with the marriage than
anything else. Her husband seems unable to see past her weight-gain
and has lost focus on the intelligent, loving, funny and giving person
she really is. He is no longer sympathetic to her needs and it sounds
as though she has grown weary of his criticism.
Several people responded to A’s problem by suggesting ways of
losing weight through diet or exercise. Exercise will be a very good
idea for her, but not necessarily for losing weight. Some form of
regular mild exercise is beneficial to combat depression. Most
organisations helping and advising those who are depressed recommend
stimulating the circulation, getting oxygen into the bloodstream to
carry nutrients to the brain and muscles and help speed up the
elimination of toxins and waste from the body.
The natural result of this is to feel gradually more alert and
energised, as the system enlivens both body and mental state.
People who exercise feel they have more energy and therefore do more
and feel better about themselves.
All this occurs without going on a diet to lose weight. Sorting
out the inner self is the key to changing what you wish to do on the
outside. A may come to the conclusion that there is no need to change
how she is on the outside because she is feeling more confident about
what she really wants to change.
Where does depression come from?
One in five of us will be affected by
depression at some stage in our lives. For women there are a
variety of life situations that can trigger depression. The female
body is subject to many more dramatic changes than that of men and the
hormones regulating the system can get out of synch. One of the most
common forms of depression in women is post-natal. A mother’s trauma
of childbirth can be masked by the excitement of the new bay’s
arrival. Sometimes post-natal depression can be left un-diagnosed for
many months and occasionally women have suffered silently for years!
Menopause is another very vulnerable time for women. Hormones
once again are rebalancing. The body changes in many subtle ways that
at times can be dispiriting. Hair, skin, joints, mental, physical and
sexual energy levels – all show signs of transition and women struggle
with the fear of no longer having the appearance or power of a younger
person. It takes time and support of partner and/or friends to adjust
and accept the difference as normal and to realise that here is a
chance to become more rather than less of who you really are. The
emotional balance of a relationship can also change at this time.
Being in a relationship without feeling you have the support
and understanding of your partner is a very lonely place. If talking
this through with the partner is unfeasible, depression can deepen and
the feeling of being trapped increase. The sufferer is left
frustrated, angry, worthless and increasingly frightened and unhappy.
Confidence flies out of the window.
Men too can suffer depression at this time when they are coming
to terms with the physical changes in their appearance – hair loss and
greying, weight gain, loss of mental and physical energies, fear of
loss of potency, of retirement and ending of career and status.
But what to do?
There may be physical reasons why
depression is a problem.
-
Ask your GP for a complete check-up.
-
Much modern medication will do a
wonderful job of lessening the lows of depression but it can also mask
any emotional causes. Your GP can help you by referring you to a
therapist specialising in a variety of ‘talking treatments’.
-
If you feel strongly that your
relationship is the core problem, then seek out a specialist
relationship counsellor. You can go on your own if that is more
appropriate.
-
Relate is the leading organisation for
this and you can locate your nearest branch on their website –
www.relate.org.uk
-
Complementary medicine has continuing
success in helping with many sorts of depression, through herbal
remedies, acupuncture, homoeopathy, nutrition and massage (wonderful
for boosting self esteem and just plain feeling accepted and cared for
whatever shape you are in).
-
The website of Depression Alliance –
www.depressionalliance.org
- can offer excellent help and advice and has an extensive and
well-chosen booklist.
If the cause of the depression can be
identified, the first battle is won. If, like A, you feel
that the solution might be in making a new life somewhere else, then
talk this through with a trusted friend, family member or therapist
first and work on getting a support group around you who will be there
for you when you need them.
Often adult children have noticed more than we think and are
ready to help in whatever way they can. For most people, knowing that
they could leave and be understood and supported emotionally by
friends or relatives is enough to lift some of the depression and
start their road to regaining their confidence and control of their
life.
Appearance is only part of what we are. We can best adjust it -
gently and judiciously - from a position of weakness to one of
confidence and strength.
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laterlife interest
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