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IT COULD BE YOU….
A daughter’s marriage in danger
A client – let’s call her Juliet – came to me to talk over a
family problem. It took place on a special birthday celebration,
when the whole family was staying in a hotel for the weekend. There
were Juliet and her husband, plus two married daughters and their
husbands and four grandchildren.
It was Tess, the younger daughter and her husband Peter who
appeared to be in trouble. Peter openly said he was neither happy nor
successful in his job. Immediately, with unerring maternal instinct,
Juliet could see Tess was tense and worried and Peter very quiet and
distant.
Tess was not her usual chatty self and she was short-tempered with
the children. The symptoms were all too apparent as, during their
first evening meal, Peter yelled at Tess, openly criticising her in
front of the family.
What can one do in such an unexpected situation? The assumption
was that he was exhausted after the long car journey and that maybe
wine was playing a part. The family pretended not to notice, but for
Juliet the worry over Tess gave her a sleepless night.
The following morning brought worse events. Tess said something
Peter disagreed with and after insulting her loudly he stormed off for
a long walk, leaving the rest of the adults to try to distract the
children, who had witnessed the outburst, and to calm Tess down.
When the rest of the family went to the indoor pool, Tess, in
tears, confessed to her mum that she would probably have to leave
Peter at some point as he had recently become unbearable.
What Juliet was feeling
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As mum-in-law she felt she had no right
to say anything to Peter about the marriage.
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But as Tess’s mother she felt she did
have a right to express her concern.
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She was very worried about the effect
all this was having upon the grandchildren.
How Juliet got through the dilemma
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Juliet knew that the subject of the
state of Tess and Peter’s marriage was not her business, so
when she finally plucked up the courage to talk to Peter, she
expressed her own worries as a mum, thereby keeping it personal and
not pressing him to respond or explain his behaviour. She did
not mention what her daughter had said to her.
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She said that she was concerned about
her daughter’s and grandchildren’s happiness, as well as
acknowledging Peter’s dark mood. She did this without judgement or
condemnation.
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Peter did not respond immediately and
she worried that she might be making matters worse. But she
sensed that he was thinking about the consequences of his actions.
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The entire family had been careful not
to over-react to Peter’s behaviour. Had they ignored it completely
they would have been guilty of ‘not noticing the elephant in the
room’. Instead, they took time to assess what was needed and
worked together instinctively.
-
The children were recognising the
tension between Tess and Peter. Grandpa and Uncle Mark took charge
of them, ensuring that they had plenty of fun things to do,
keeping them all together but away from the situation.
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Rachel, the older sister, sensing her
mother’s worry, made sure everyone was cared for and fed, so
that Juliet could talk to Peter and comfort Tess.
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The family gave the couple time and
space to work out their problems.
The next day, at breakfast, there was
no sign of Tess and Peter. Finally the unhappy couple appeared,
somewhat sheepishly. Tess had obviously been crying but seemed calm
and Peter made it clear he was ready to talk.
He told Juliet that what she had said the previous day had made him
realise that he was turning the celebration into a disaster. He
had not known how to tell his wife that he had been made redundant
just before the weekend. The very thing he wanted to avoid was
happening anyway. The atmosphere lifted, the couple’s relief was clear
to everyone.
This story demonstrates several of the pitfalls of close family
life and some of the ways that, with openness and care, the family can
hold and sustain all of its members.
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laterlife interest
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