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IT COULD BE YOU….
Problems with stepdaughters
I have heard from a reader of this column, J, who is in a very
difficult situation regarding her indifferent husband, two
stepdaughters and their embittered mum.
J has also been married before and has five children of her
own. Her stepdaughters visit regularly but have been violent and
abusive to her, and very lazy in the house when her own girls are
expected to help. Her husband has been recently diagnosed with MS.
Although they have split up several times, he has managed to persuade
her that he will be more supportive in future. The ex-wife constantly
undermines any kind of relationship that the stepdaughters might build
with J. She has behaved in such a troublesome manner that there
have been a couple of court cases to sort things out.
Maggi responds
It is very sad that J’s husband has contracted MS and may now need
support from his second family. However, it sounds as if he has been
totally unsupportive of J’s efforts to make a good and welcoming home
environment for both sides of the family.
Rather worryingly, J tells me that her
husband told her when they were living together before they were
married, that if his girls didn’t get on with her he would end their
relationship. “Perhaps I should have gone then,” says J.
There are several different points of view in this unhappy family, so
I will deal with them in turn.
The ex-wife
Sometimes a woman who loses her husband to
someone else finds it very difficult to adjust and move on. She may
begin by seeing herself as a wife who is waiting for her husband to
come to his senses and return home again. Too long spent in this phase
after the end of a marriage can result in an emotionally toxic state
and can begin to ‘infect’ those around, with the following results:
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The bitterness stops her from having a
new life.
-
It also ‘infects’ her former husband and
his new wife, and stops them from settling well.
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It holds back her daughters from
adjusting to the new situation and bonding with their step mum.
The ex-wife may be jealous, fearing that J
will try to be their mother and take her daughters’ love from her.
That is not likely, but it is likely that sooner or later the girls
will begin to see how obstructive their mother is being and lose
respect for her. Sadly it will be her doing.
J and the stepdaughters
The only way J can combat these
developments is to continually reassure her step daughters of her own
wish to live peaceably with them and care for them when they visit.
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She needs to make it clear that she will
not take the place of their own mum.
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She can make efforts to notice the
pleasanter things that show through their confused behaviour,
comment on how nice they are looking, on any kind deed they have
done, or funny or understanding comment they might make.
-
If at all possible, she could link this
with compliments about their mother; what good taste their mum must
have, how neatly she has packed their case for the weekend, what a
loving mum she must be, etc.
-
All this must be done tactfully, without
over-stating or being ingratiating.
The husband
What follows can only occur if J has the
total support of her husband. Since he has promised to be more
supportive, it is not unreasonable for J to request these actions from
her husband.
-
He must make it clear to his girls that
he loves them as his daughters but loves his wife too and will not
condone their bad treatment of her.
-
He must openly demonstrate his own
respect and support of her for them to see.
The children
All of the children in this household are
in danger of growing up in the belief that women are to be used and
abused; and that men are blameless, please themselves, withdraw love
when displeased and do not get involved in sorting out family
problems.
What kind of life will this prepare them for? One that follows a
pattern of misery and acceptance of victimhood? Or perhaps they will
become rebellious and possibly unable to sustain stable relationships.
Parenting
Parenting is complicated these days by
many people marrying a second or third time, but if all adults truly
work for the best interests of the children, there is a much better
chance that they will develop a healthy attitude to relationships and
to their own role in them.
Counselling could help It might be that J has tried until she is blue
in the face to persuade her husband to support her more. If that is
the case, she needs to find herself a good relationship counsellor to
help her explore her options. Perhaps, in the course of this, she will
get to understand a little more clearly her own role and involvement
in the cycle of difficult relationships.
www.relate.org.uk
This website give information about the
work of Relate, a list of Relate branches in your area plus useful
guidance and links to other websites and helplines.
Relate Guide To Step Families
Suzie Hayman
£8.99
One in three people find themselves as
part of a stepfamily or ‘second family’ at some point in their lives.
This book offers practical and positive strategies for coping for all
the people involved – ‘new’ parents, established parents, children,
the ‘ex’, grandparents.
Caught In The Middle
Alys Swan–Jackson
£5.99
For teenagers: packed with real-life
studies and essential information, this book shows that it is possible
to live through your parents' divorce and still come up smelling of
roses.
The Family Survival Guide: Change Your Family Life for the
Better
Trisha Goddard
£7.19
From talk show host, Trisha - a book that
aims to help you change your family life for the better forever. This
book takes you through the challenges, choices and changes that are
faced within the family including: losing and choosing a partner,
being a parent, step-families, dealing with conflict.
Living With A Teenager
Suzie Hayman
£7.99
A survival guide for parents. Packed with
insights and strategies which will help you to understand a teenagers'
needs and behaviour and make those teenage years easier to bear.
Uncommon Sense For Parents With Teenagers
Micheal Riera
£11.99
In this remarkable tribute to the
parent-teenager relationship, the author offers a fresh interpretation
of adolescence, asserting that this period of a child’s growth is too
often misunderstood as a phase to be dreaded instead of enjoyed.
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