 The accepted pattern is that when on holiday you do things
together. Well who`s idea was that? So long as you are doing something that both want
to do, fine, but if it is assumed, without question,
that a partner will share all the same enthusiasms, then tensions are very likely
to surface. We cannot always like the same
things.
It is really important to ask each other: what do you
want to do? Start with the
‘wants’ rather than the `don’t wants’, so that both feel more positive
about finding common wishes and feel more willing to be flexible and considerate in the
other areas. (As I have said, this is
relevant to friends and family holidaying together too.)
One couple I worked with tried this but sadly only
went part of the way in their planning. They told each other what they wanted to do
and left it at that. Each assumed that they had it worked out. Halfway through their
holiday both became silent and grumpy, doing whatever the other suggested with bad grace
and terse comments which undermined any enjoyment.
In short they were sulking - something most of us
learn in our formative years and rely on as a way of communicating long after it is of any
use! Sulking in an adult is non-verbal shorthand for saying we are fed-up, assuming that
someone will intuitively know what is troubling us. The ‘unspoken marriage vow’
springs to my mind - ‘to love, honour, and read my mind’. When our partner doesn`t read our mind - and fails to understand our sulk, it compounds matters,
as it did for this couple.
There
is no guarantee of a tension-free holiday. We book flights, accommodation, arrange
time off work and ensure things are left ready for others to job/house/pet-sit in our
absence. A friend said recently it is the only time her kitchen looks tidy! We fill the
fridge for members of the family left at home, leave instructions and reminders all over
the place and fret about how they will cope. We pack our bags, our cars, and our minds! No
wonder that we are exhausted by the time we set off, thoughts racing over mental
checklists since the crack of dawn.
It is unrealistic to expect instant relaxation on
arrival. Allow for these tensions to release slowly, especially if you are in an
unfamiliar place or country. If you have done
the early groundwork, openly accepting the need for rest as well as time for individual
interests, it is less threatening when your partner says they would like to have a day of
lying about in the sun without having to look after the children, or wandering in the
hills, or just have a meal prepared for them. They may want your company on a trip that
you would not choose yourself.
Bargain - gently of course, so that you can ask the
equivalent. Accommodating this without feeling personal rejection will relax and
strengthen the feeling of pleasures shared. Allowing each other freedom within the
relationship shows trust, respect and interest in the other’s enjoyment that
reassures them they are important to you - something that may not get said often enough in
routine daily life.
And one more thing, occasional separate
holidays can be wonderfully refreshing and stimulating for a couple.
Have a good holiday!
To view previous editions of Maggi`s column see below:
1. - Retirement, a hidden sting?
2. - Boundaries of being a grandparent
3. - Still strangers after all these years
4. - First steps to a new beginning
If you would like
to contact Maggi at her Consultancy you can phone her on 0207 7337890.
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