This seemingly perfect opportunity to make a new life
quickly ground to a halt. When they first came to counselling, Martin and Jenna were hardly speaking. The disappointment was so
clearly expressed in their faces and the list of their concerns took them the whole of the
first session to unfold.
Jenna didn`t want to be ‘looked after’ in the way
Martin was used to doing before. She was accustomed to getting on with things herself,
neither asking nor expecting anyone to give her a hand. This left him feeling in the way
and not needed. Jenna in her turn felt patronised and a bit stifled by Martin’s
attempts to care for her, and by his expectation that she might want to give up her busy
career ‘and have babies’. She enjoyed her social life and wanted to share her
friends with Martin, though he was a quiet sort of person and unused to being amongst a
younger crowd.
Then there were family issues. Jenna’s
parents seemed a little reserved to Martin and he feared they thought him too old to be
with their daughter. Jenna also felt that Martin’s children resented her being with
their dad. Max stopped coming so much at the weekends and Abbie became very clinging and
needy of her father. This got in the way of them being together and also saddened Martin,
which Jenna mistook for blame.
We began to look at the positive side of why they
were together. Martin’s steadiness was an anchor for Jenna. She liked not having to ‘sparkle’
continually, even with the children. She recalled previous boyfriends being put off by her
energetic independence. There is a tricky balance between guarding one’s independence
and allowing ordinary human vulnerability to show through. We
need to show some vulnerability in order to allow others to get close to us. It was this
balance that Jenna was finding hard to get right. Martin had found Jenna’s liveliness
the ideal antidote to his recent quiet single life, and though it was many years since he
had socialised, going out with her was stimulating and rejuvenating.
Hearing one-another’s concerns within the
counselling sessions gradually reassured them. They listened well and Martin realised
several things:
· Jenna, and her friends, enjoyed him being part of their
social group
· Her parents, always reserved at first, were pleased she
had met someone quietly reliable at last
· His son was showing healthy signs of building his own
social life as a young teenager
· Abbie was having a normal bout of jealousy over the new
person and needed lots of reassurance.
· Perhaps he worked too hard
Jenna
also felt less threatened as they talked more:
· Martin loved her, was proud of being her partner, but also
needed to be a Dad to Max and Abbie
· She didn’t need to constantly prove herself, and
could show her worries without being thought weak
· Maybe she worked too hard
· Martin knew he needed to live differently with a new
person
· Max wasn’t rejecting her but growing up
· Abbie needed some extra time alone with her Dad
· Having a baby wasn’t something Martin wanted unless
she did
 That lead to them realising that the most useful thing they
could do for themselves was to talk regularly, openly and positively about their
concerns. This being a new tool in relationships for both, would mean they practised as
equals.
And practise they did. In our last meeting I hardly
said a thing!
To view previous editions of Maggi`s column see below:
1. - Retirement, a hidden sting?
2. - Boundaries of being a grandparent
3. - Still strangers after all these years
4. - First steps to a new beginning
5. - Holidays can spell trouble
If you would like
to contact Maggi at her Consultancy you can phone her on 0207 7337890.
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