 When I saw Marion alone, she seemed stunned by the news
and feared the consequences of Bill’s affair on their family, friends, and on their
relationship. She knew sex played a large part in Bill’s affair. They had not had
intercourse for 6 years. She didn’t miss what she regarded as a duty to please her
husband. He never took a great deal of time to please her when they made love anyway. They
had been innocent and ignorant when they married, and she understood how this affair must
be affecting Bill now.
I worked with this couple for some time before they
went their separate ways. What I hope they took away with them was a deeper
understanding of what had happened to their relationship over the years. As they grew older, their needs had changed. It was a
tragedy for them that it was too late to do anything to save their marriage.
What can we learn from
this?
· There is no upper
age limit on sex. It is a vital part of any long relationship and an important way of
demonstrating affection, love, reassurance and tenderness well into later life.
· What changes is the
body. It develops aches and pains, energy levels drop and we tire more quickly. Our hormones male and female change their
balance as fertility falls. It is not surprising that given the ageing process we
sometimes feel less attractive and as a result assume our partner will not want us
sexually. We sometimes protect ourselves by shutting down sexual feelings.
· Making love in
later life, as at any other time doesn`t always need full intercourse. Just as much pleasure can be derived from
caressing, holding and stroking. Orgasm is still achievable - even for the first time for
some women who have spent their lives never telling and with a man who has never asked -
but is not essential every time.
· It is important to
discuss fears and worries about sex with your partner, but equally important to tell each
other what pleases you most, and what you would like to try. It may be that you have
never talked in this way and have lived for many years not knowing for sure if you are
giving your partner pleasure, just assuming their lack of comment is approval. You might
be right but as with any assumption, check it out.
· Tell them when they
look good and continue to take care over your own hygiene and appearance. Compliments show you care.
· Try one of the many
different positions if you are worried by pain in your joints, some of which make it
easier for specific difficulties. (See my Recommended Books)
· Men and women can
experience dyspareunia - pain on intercourse. It
may be due to fear of discomfort through dryness or tension. Dryness can be alleviated by
trying some of the many creams, gels and lubricants - a delight to incorporate into
love-making, especially when a partner is invited to apply it! Discomfort can often be eased by trying a different
position. Check out pain with your doctor if change of position and lubrication don’t
work.
· Lack of a firm
erection and premature ejaculation can have many causes.
Viagra and other new products can help in many cases, and have revolutionised
the way sex problems are treated. Check out with
your GP.
· Any of these and
many other sexual problems can also be very effectively understood with the help of a
relationship counsellor trained in working with sexual problems. Most Relate Centres have
highly trained specialists used to working with adults of all ages.
 Recommended Books
Litvinoff, Sarah -The Relate Guide To Sex in Loving Relationships
1992 - Vermillion
Kitzinger, Sheila - Woman`s Experience of Sex.
1985 - Penguin
Zilbergeld, Bernie - The New Male Sexuality,
1999 - Bantam
To view previous editions of Maggi`s column see below:
1. - Retirement, a hidden sting?
2. - Boundaries of being a grandparent
3. - Still strangers after all these years
4. - First steps to a new beginning
5. - Holidays can spell trouble
6. - A new start after divorce
7. - Sarah leaves home
If you would like
to contact Maggi at her Consultancy you can phone her on 0207 7337890.
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To view previous articles - see the laterlife-interest index page
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