 Although their children were older I included
information on the 8-year-old group in our
discussions as every child develops at a different pace. Also, when under stress children may temporarily regress to a
younger pattern of behaviour. (NB adults can do
this too!)
8-year-olds are no longer small children but
don’t have adolescent coping mechanisms either. They may appear to be coping,
sensible and composed, but underneath may be fearful confused or depressed.
9-11 year olds rely on the parents for
stability, and are inclined to be 'black and white' thinkers. Siding with one parent is
common, typically with the parent who is ‘left'. The child expresses pity, worry,
fear of abandonment, and fear of punishment - alliances offer safety and security. They
risk being pitched into premature adolescent behaviour without the adolescent's maturity
of thought. In this age range, parent-child boundaries may be crossed (this can happen at
earlier ages) and the child may try to become any of the following:
parent to the
parent - nurturer, comforter
replacement
spouse/partner
'just good
friends’ - sibling with parent
An early adolescent (11-16 ) may
intellectualise/rationalise when stressed, as well as resort to contempt or denigration -
'stupid, incompetent adults'.
Adolescents are troubled by parents' behaviour
and concerned about moral issues - goodness, right and wrong. They may fear for their own
futures and capacities to make relationships. They can also understand, accept and feel
relieved at parental decisions.
 Girls may plunge into various prematurely adult
behaviours housekeeping, organising, focussing solely on studies, promiscuity, and
in some extremes running away from home.
Boys may have discipline problems at home and
school and in extremes may be violent. They may have difficulty in separating from or
leaving single mothers.
Once Julia and James had discussed how they thought
their children might react we moved on to consider what their own needs might be and how
they would differ from those of the children.
· The adult needs to emotionally detach from their partner,
but a child needs to maintain attachments to both parents.
· The adult needs to accept ending and the reality of the
loss, but a child will want to maintain the fantasy of parental reconciliation. This can
persist unspoken for years, even after a remarriage. Disturbed behaviour when this occurs
can be linked with the challenging of the fantasy.
· Many adults believe the children will prefer the parents
to separate rather than be in an unhappy home. Children tend to a clear preference for the
parents to stay together whatever the degree of conflict or unhappiness, the exception
being among more mature adolescents.
· Parents may be tempted to retreat from telling the
children as it feels too painful or difficult, but children need more information, clear,
simple and unbiased.
James and Julia recognised that they had been less
available to their children as they were being less mutually supportive and had
neglected usual routines, but a child`s need is for more attention and stronger parenting.
They were also
aware of blurring the boundary of parenting for their own need for love, comfort, and
reassurance. It is important for parents to stay in role so that the child can stay as a
child.
Separating adults need to be able to express feelings of anger,
rejection and guilt and accept their feelings of distress, instability and low
self-esteem. The child’s need is for unconditional love and acceptance. It is hard to
cope with disapproval.
Working together on the needs and the management of
their children helped Julia and James to regain some of the skills of cooperation and
negotiating. This meant they felt more confident about proceeding with the separation
more amicably and better prepared to support their children through the difficult times
ahead.
The solo counselling for James which followed was all the more useful to him as he had
already identified some of his own needs and concerns in the joint sessions and could move
on with greater awareness and focus.
Suggested reading
 Moving On - Breaking up without breaking down, by Suzie Hayman,
one of the Relate relationship series published by Vermillion, 2001, £9.99
After the affair - How to build trust and love again, by Julia Cole, Relate series published by Vermillion, 1999,
£6.99
There is also a very helpful set of 5 free Government booklets and leaflets developed
by childcare and family support practitioners for the Lord Chancellor's Dept. These are
designed as guides for parents and for children and are full of very good information,
telephone numbers of helpful contacts, booklists for children and activities for them to
do alone or with parents.
These are available from many Relate Centres, local
libraries, Citizen's Advice Bureaux and the Gov't website: www.lcd.gov.uk. They can be
obtained by post from: FREEPOST, PO Box 2001, Burgess Hill, West Sussex RH15 8BR.
To view previous editions of Maggi`s column see below:
1. - Retirement, a hidden sting?
2. - Boundaries of being a grandparent
3. - Still strangers after all these years
4. - First steps to a new beginning
5. - Holidays can spell trouble
6. - A new start after divorce
7. - Sarah leaves hom
8. - Sex in a long-term relationship
If you would like
to contact Maggi at her Consultancy you can phone her on 0207 7337890.
Please don't send any confidential information to laterlife.com
To view previous articles - see the laterlife-interest index page
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