 The second grandchild was born to the
daughter who lives in the States. Sheila was asked to come help out. Her voice softens with contented remembrance as she tells me
that she spent a whole month cuddling this little
one.
For John, a grandpa from Twickenham, the joy was equally exquisite. His daughter had been born with a disability and the fear
that her children would inherit the same medical problem was uppermost in the
family’s thoughts before the birth. The first grandchild was born without the defect. The second, too, was joyously free of the defective
gene.
Much depends on the amount of time you spend with the grandchild and at
what age. I was less involved with the early round-the-clock feedings and
nappy changings of my first grandchild, my
daughter’s child. Perhaps she sensed that I
was terrified at handling an infant for fear of dropping the vulnerable bundle or not holding
the head correctly to keep it from wobbling. I was called upon more often as the year
progressed to baby sit, and my love changed from the initial infatuation to a more
realistic relationship.
The next lot are twins and there is no question of worrying about hands-on helping out. A multitude of hands are needed. and
welcomed. These are the offspring of my son and forty-something daughter in law, their first. My son, bless him, is
even more concerned about the way I hold them,
feed them, talk to them than the mother. And their progress from first smile, to
first solids, to first efforts to crawl are much more minutely observed than by the more laid back, relaxed, though no less adoring parents of the first two.
When distance separates grandparents from grandchildren.
The twins and their parents live
in Somerset , near Taunton . My journey from
London takes about two and a half hours which I manage for a long weekend once a month. I
know that some grandparents live so far away their
visits can be far less frequent, reduced to once a
year for holiday gift-giving or not at all.
Thousands of miles separate Glaswegians Kate and David from their
grandchildren. Their son took a job in San
Francisco . They cheerfully waved the family off but the separation has been hard to
bear. How do they keep the contact going, establish
the grandchild /grandparent bond?
 Technology is a blessing, helping to foster
emotional relations over distance. You can use computers, faxes or regular (“snail”) mail to keep in touch. Children can
fax jokes, school reports, drawings to their grandparents. Grandparents
can fax an encouraging note weekly. And children
love to receive a letter or postcard., addressed specially to them.
Even if you live in the same town, distance can seem great when the
grandchildren start school and develop new interests and activities. How do you keep in touch at this stage? Again, technology can help. Or a weekly ‘phone call or postcard – with
a brief message or a joke.
Tensions within the family can also
keep grandchildren distant from the grandparents. Some mothers resent their own mothers and their attempts
to help may be seen as criticism of their own capabilities.
And there are grandparents who want to be
included but offer little hands-on help. One father gripes that his parents will very
begrudgingly baby sit once, at most twice a year. Magnanimously on New Year’s eve.
Are grandparents expected to love all their
grandchildren equally?
This question worries us because in some ways we don’t. Grandparents
reproach themselves because they have different
feelings about each of their grandchildren. They are
expecting the impossible of themselves, say the
experts in child rearing.
The much-revered Dr. Benjamin Spock wrote.
“Good grandparents love their grandchildren equally in the sense they are devoted to
each one, want the best for all of them and will make any necessary sacrifice to achieve
this. But since
all children are quite different, no grandparent can feel just the same about any two of
them. It’s human and normal and
inevitable that we should feel quite differently about each of our grandchildren, that we
should be impatient with certain characteristics in some of them and proud of others.
It is acceptance and understanding of these different feelings, rather
than feeling guilty about them, that will allow you to treat all of your grandchildren
with the love and special attention they need.”
Repeatedly, the experts admonish. “Do not play favourites amongst the
grandchildren. In reality, it may be that you prefer
one grandchild over another, but it is essential
that you do not let your preference show.”
 Children pick up very quickly if they are the
favourite or not. To
feel less favoured is extremely hard on a child’s self-esteem. Every
child deserves to feel cherished and loved by the
adults in their lives.
It sounds obvious to me and probably to you. But
then again, we are only human.
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