Later life Talkback - 26

Gains and Losses - you just can`t escape them

When  Prince Charles paid tribute to his ‘magical grandmother’ and said that he never really believed she would die, but thought of her as invincible and living forever, he was voicing what many of us feel at the loss of someone very elderly in the family.

My own parents died at the ages of 98 and 99 (my father just 6 months ago; my mother nearly 4 years ago).  ‘You were lucky to have them so long’, said certain friends.  ‘Losing them at a great age is not at all as tragic as losing them when they die young.’  I knew they were thinking of their own loss of parents who died in middle age or youth, when the loss held tragedy as well as sadness.

But sadness on it’s own is still painful.  And properly so. It is a part of  the respect and of love that we feel. It is also part of healing, a chance to acknowledge faults, to offer forgiveness, to give up bitterness and anger if they were part of the relationship. Or, if this is not possible, at least to try to assess and understand. 

Loss of elderly parents often includes a certain kind of gain. In many circumstances, the children of elderly parents - so often 50-plus - inevitably become the carers, and the loss of that role can leave a gap as well as a sense of release and freedom.  I still can’t get used to the fact that I don’t have to ring my father daily or shop or cook for him and make sure he has sufficient food. It still seems odd that I don’t have to worry about his welfare when I am away, or consult with my sister so she doesn’t plan her holiday dates at the same time, or worry about his home help or make sure other members of the family will ring and visit.

At the same time, I must admit that a load is lifted and I do feel liberated. No more sorting out social services and hospital visits and persuading my father  to get out occasionally or tell the doctor what his symptoms really are. Or suffer the intense frustration that came from dealing with a pretty intransigent, stubborn old man.

So there’s advantage as well as loss. I realise that no one else besides my parents can quite share the pleasure I have in my grandchildren, apart of course, from my other half, their grandfather, and their own parents. This year, when the 4,6 and 8 year old left their yearly ‘happy birthday to you’ telephone message on the answering service, there were no proud greatgrandparents to enjoy the slightly tipsy sound that their efforts seem to produce as they attempt to sing in harmony.

It would have been nice if both my parents had lived to 100 or 101 - my mother was born a couple of weeks before the Queen Mother. But none of us is invincible.  We know we don’t live forever. It’s something  we have to be reminded of now and again, if only to appreciate the preciousness of life. 

THIS laterLIFE

Julian Fellowes, screenwriter of Gosford Park, received an Oscar at the age of 52….

Professor Malcom Hodkinson, former consultant geriatrician, trained in law after retirement and has become a practising lawyer at the age of 70….

Carrot-cake box office appeal - that’s the cinema industry’s description of what ‘upmarket, over 45s’ like to see in the way of films.  (Younger cinema goers are listed as ‘popcorns’.)  We like serious, grown-up films such as In The Bedroom  and Gosford Park, plus foreign art movies, but also enjoy the lighter weights such as Bridget Jones Diary and Amelie. Look out for a new project from Odeon cinemas called Senior Screen which shows these films at daytime performances and even includes coffee and biscuits in the reduced ticket price.  (Perhaps they should be offering carrot cake…)

Dick Douglas, ex MP for Dunfermline West, has been running in the London Marathon since 1982 at the age of 50.  Now he is 70 and is thinking of hanging up his running shoes…..Not so Abraham Weintraub of the US. He’s 92 this year and still running…

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