Time bomb in the family
A small painting of dubious quality, hung in the spare room for decades…
A mass-produced dinner service, stored in an old suitcase, ignored and
unloved… Both of these items were the cause of family friction, when a
parent or grandparent died.
I watched sadly on the sidelines as two families became overheated about
small legacies. In both situations, the deceased had made wills.
Property and money were appropriately assigned, but smaller items had been
overlooked, the painting and the dinner service included.
The problem over the painting arose when one daughter said she had always
assumed it would be hers, and her brother, ignorant of this, took it when
his wife had casually asked for it. Result: ill feeling and resentment –
part of it perhaps already in existence -surfaced to cause extra damage to
family relations.
The dinner service suffered a similar fate, this time through the
grandchildren. Despite its modest origins, the design – a typical product of
the 1960s – had become trendy, something of a collector’s item. Two
grandchildren coveted it, and though they both backed off, their respective
mothers fell out.
Why am I telling you this?
Because I and you and perhaps your elderly parents have similar time bombs
waiting around to cause havoc some time in the future. Small items of
jewellery, even out-of-fashion costume jewellery, might return to favour and
desirability at some future date.
Modest pieces
of furniture, vases, ornaments – these and many other overlooked
household items could acquire fashionable status with the passing of time. A
collection of books, on gardening or art or sport, could inspire rival
claims in the surviving family.
They are precisely the kinds of items that might be overlooked in a will.
And potentially they are time bombs.
The thought of going over everything in the house in order to predict
its potential covetability is daunting. But it could be fun in small doses.
Thinking about leaving a ring you were given on your 21st birthday to a
daughter or granddaughter, some books to a son-in-law, an armchair to one of
the children promotes an inward glow of generosity. Especially as you are
still around to tell them about it.
But suppose you – or your parents - don’t get round to telling them and
don’t put it into a will? Suppose, worse still, that you or they forget
what has been assigned to whom, or overlook some item that is potentially
covetable?
Rather than risk tearing families apart, you could do what authors
Linda Hetzer and Janet Hulstrand advise*. They suggest using coloured
stickers to assign things to each child, letting the children choose from
sentimental treasures and even having a valuer to ensure that items of value
are distributed fairly.
They also provide two basic rules for the children, when it comes to
clearing out a family home: give it time and make sure that communication
takes place.
This allows family members a chance to share memories and work through
conflicts, they say, perhaps optimistically.
Another solution comes from a friend who has inherited various valuable
items of furniture. She has written a Letter of Wishes saying who should
get what. This, she makes clear, is in addition to the Will. She adds that
if there is a dispute about any item or legacy, the family must agree to
appoint a mediator and to accept the conclusions of that person. She has
told her children about this, and they approve.
Of course, we all think and hope that our children would never need such
protection from themselves. Our children would be generous and
civilised, wouldn’t they?
We can never know. Sibling rivalries may emerge. Unpredictable
demands may arise through the wives and husbands that our children marry and
through their children.
We may not be around to be sorry, but it’s undoubtedly better to be safe.
*Moving On: A practical guide to downsizing the family home,
published in the US by Stewart, Tabori and Chang, available through Amazon
Talkback is a regular
feature in laterlife.com run by journalist and author Helen Franks. 
