Later Life Talkback - 58

 
Here’s talking to you, kid

I’m doing something different this month, responding to Heather Redmond’s piece, ‘Is It Good to Talk?’, because I’m exactly the opposite.
I know how Heather’s colleague feels – lack of response in other people can leave you in a kind of limbo. You don’t know what they are thinking, and it could be something horrible.

I talk a lot. And sometimes it makes me feel uneasy, don’t want to bore people, don’t want to impose. But I am also genuinely interested in other people – what they do, where they go on holiday, whether they have children and grandchildren. And as I get to know them better, I’ll find myself perhaps discussing family relationships, theirs and mine. And then there are novels, politics, the sharing and exchanging of ideas, the joy of discovering coincidences.

In the past, after a lively evening with friends, even when it had been a clear success, I used to be prone to feel some doubts, even guilt the following day. Did I listen enough? Did I over-dominate the conversation? Did I say something foolish or expose my ignorance?
Now – and it’s one of the pleasures of getting older – I reckon that since my friends still want to see me, I must be doing something right.

And I do know that when I listen, it is with intensity and genuine interest. I really want to hear what other people say and think – at least some of the time.
And then I get involved and enthusiastic. I want to share my experiences and ideas. So off I go, talking again.

Women, of course, talk quite differently to men. We share confidences, they share camaraderie. I sometimes envy the ease and lack of intensity of male conversation, and then I think of what they are missing: gossip, intimacy, emotional insights. Not necessarily in that order.

I also acknowledge that some people – women as well as men – don’t want to share emotional insights. Bottling up emotions may be the better way for them. Maintaining self-esteem may be more important than letting everything hang out. Yvonne McEwan, international expert in trauma management, has pointed out that denial is a wonderful survival tool.

And women’s talk can go round in awful circles. You can find yourself being the confidante, listening to tales of victimhood and implicitly going along with the premise because you haven’t the guts (or knowhow) to disagree. You might be drawn into collusion: backing up claims that he – husband or partner – is indeed a brute, or whatever your friend wants you to say.

There are other times when I find I have nothing to say. One is when I am deeply grieving. When this happens, I can see that family and friends are concerned about my unfamiliar behaviour, and I try to reassure them. Another is when I join a new group or committee. For the first visit, I like to listen, absorb the atmosphere, and perhaps most importantly, get the measure of the people who are present. But none of this is deliberately holding back. I just need to listen or to be quiet.

But then again, there are people with whom I don’t talk and do deliberately hold back. They’re the ones who Heather, too, complains about: the people who talk endlessly about themselves and show no interest in anything anyone else might wish to say. This is especially true of certain men, who can go on for hours boring for England. I wait and listen in wonder to see when – or rather if – they will stop. It happens with some women too. How I would like to get a carbon copy of me (maybe just a cut-out two-dimensional version would do), just to nod and smile from time to time, while I go away and converse with someone who is willing to share and exchange views. So I have finally worked out that the greatest compliment I can pay others is to talk.

Conversation, I realise, is a matter of give and take. And it’s not good to do just one of them.

PS I have checked with Heather and it’s what she thinks too.

Click here to see Heather Redmond’s feature ‘Is It Good To Talk?’


 

Helen would still like to hear your views 

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