Relationships - July 2012It could be you ....
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Previously in Relationships...
117. New partner integration woes 116. I am worried about my son's depression Relationships Every month Maggi Stamp, a qualified and experienced relationship counsellor in private practice after 20yrs with Relate, writes about some of the emotional challenges we meet as we pass our half-way markers. For reasons of confidentiality Maggi never writes about a particular person's problems unless you have sent one in to be answered, but all her examples are based on problems raised by clients, family and friends over the years. You can write to Maggi at maggi@laterlife.com for her to respond in the column.
I can't settle
Maggi replies First of all you need to find a way of letting go of your regrets. There is nothing can turn back time so try not to waste your energy on wishing things were different. What you do have is a pretty cottage in a village which is popular, from what you tell me, and a small town nearby which, apart from the buses, offers all one needs as an older person. You also now have enough money to live more comfortably. So one of your first moves to change the way things are is to 'forgive' your husband for bringing you here. His decision was necessary in order to fund a more comfortable and less worrying future in retirement for you both. Once that is achieved it clears the way to some more productive discussion on how to improve things. The most important thing however, is to talk to your husband in a way that doesn't lead him to think he is to blame. When you row he's probably defensive. He needs to know and to understand how you feel, so quietly ask him to listen and ask him to help. Then together you can start to re-arrange life to suit you both better. Nothing stands still. We all change, and what suits us now might need a rethink five years down the line. A healthy marriage will make allowances for change and adjustment. We can only do that if we regularly talk openly to one another. No-one is a true mind-reader. It is certainly harder in later life to make new close friends. People often become close when they have lived through similar experiences such as raising their children, working in the same place or daily walking pets together. The friends made in your previous home are lifetime friends. Your mutual friendship endures distance and absence, but they aren't helping by asking when you're coming back! A local friend of mine is presently enjoying the company of a really close friend from way back in teacher training days. The friend lives in Australia and visits England every 3 or 4 years. Their friendship is as strong now as it ever was, thanks to modern communications. Women form very close bonds over the years –through sharing the anxieties, panics and pleasures of bringing up children. To be away from your friends gives you feelings of isolation from one of the most life sustaining gifts we are given. Make sure you listen to your husband if he has reservations about you taking solo trips to your old haunts. Try to meet his concerns calmly and explain to him what you will be doing - and go through how he will self cater in your absence. ( My husband tends to skip lunch if I'm away, but would cook himself lamb chop, frozen peas and mashed potato every day if I didn't leave him specific things to eat!) Putting aside your husband's reasons for moving so far in the first place, which were obviously well thought out in terms of future financial and physical needs, is he happier where you are now? Perhaps, if you are able to talk with him about his and your feelings he might find ways of making your retirement more interesting than work in the charity shop and garden. Finding new mutual interests– and individual ones as well – at any age, can bring much more colour into life that you might find more within your marriage to sustain you as well. Your children still have friends where they grew up and none where you live now, so will naturally tend to seek out their own pals. This isn't to say they prefer them to you, but they will naturally gravitate towards people of their own age around their old home. As they, in turn, make new friends when their children are old enough to go to school, their territory will shift too and most of their old school friends will be dropped. My own sons maintained contact with many of those they grew up with for some years after we had left the area and then, as they settled down, their children entered school and work situations stabilised, new friendships were formed which will sustain them for many years. They too, see more of their own close, but everyday, friends than they do of us. It is a natural progression. But parental visits are often for a few days or so and we have a true family get-together. So the balance can work for everyone. Talk to them. Tell them how important their visits are. Suggest you might share an occasional family holiday close to everyone's old friends in a rented cottage. You say there are three or four old friends you miss very much. Talk to them all. Get them discussing it amongst themselves. They all know you really well and could find ways of helping.
You can write to Maggi at maggi@laterlife.com for her to respond in the column.
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